Sure Travel Journey Vol 4.2 Autumn 2018 | Page 53

AUTUMN 2018 // TOUCHDOWN
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© CAFE RACER / SHUTTERSTOCK
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of sipping the same bottle
of mineral water for a whole
week. The only time The
Matriarch will show any signs
of life is when a grandchild
comes within arm’s reach:
then this normally laconic
creature displays a burst of
speed and dexterity fit to
impress a kung fu master and
plants kisses on their lips that
would make a Swiss Banker
blush.
never on holiday with the same partner.
If you make eye contact with a Swiss
Banker after 9pm at the bar, you will be
subjected to an hour-long marathon of
stories about every single other resort
on the island. Having said that, some of
those stories will be among the most
entertaining you will ever hear.
Overhear them say: “The humidity
actually improves the taste of
these cigars.”
How to befriend them: Make friends
Overhear them say: “You
go ahead, I’ll be fine.”
How to befriend them:
with the barman. There’s nothing Swiss
Banker wants more than the friendship of
the barman. And the barman has already
heard all his stories more than once.
Impossible. Sorry.
2. THE MATRIARCH
Swathed from head to toe in 12 layers
of scarves, throws, sarongs, towels,
skirts and shawls, under a large straw hat
and deep in the shade of overlapping
umbrellas, The Matriarch will spend the
entire day in one place without doing
or saying a thing, much like a Buddhist
statue in Times Square. She is capable
3. THE SWISS BANKER
Badly sunburnt, designer sunglasses,
pastel golf shirt and almost always the
last person at the bar. The Swiss Banker
is the reason some of the rare bottles
of single malt have had a few tots
poured from them. The Swiss Banker is
a resort veteran – but he always has to
go to a different resort because he is
4. THE HONEYMOONER
Not surprisingly, these are always found in
pairs. Always. This may seem romantic at
first, but it can become a tad startling in a
restroom. Equally creepy (and romantic)
is the fact that Honeymooners are
completely oblivious to everything and
everyone around them. This makes them
ideal people to share the resort with:
they’re sort of there, but not
MAKE MEMORIES FOR LIFE // 53