come to work with a bomb attached to her waist and screaming ‘ Hail Allah ’?”
I decided to run the story by police before officially reporting it . One must not take accusing people of being terrorists or spies lightly . I approached a city pool cop who was watching Stuyvesant Town octogenarians repeatedly lift plastic noodles during Senior Swim exercise time . He advised me to file an official report . I went to my precinct and encountered an officer who resembled a Denzel Washington clone .
“ Sergeant , I think that my upstairs neighbors are either terrorists or spies .” “ Just give me the facts ma ’ am .” “ They have a direct shot at the Empire State
Building .” “ Uh huh .” “ They have surveillance cameras in their windows .” “ Uh huh .” “ Although they are never home , they keep their air conditioners running incessantly . What are they keeping cold ?” “ Uh huh .” “ I am a Bella Abzugesque Jewish feminist theorist . The neighbors stood up to my most obnoxious onslaught . I mean we ’ re talking the full monty .”
“ Oy gevalt . What ! They survived an Abzugesque Jewish feminist theorist ’ s full monty ? This is not possible . In all of my years on the force , I have never heard of anything so preposterous as surviving the New York Jewish feminist Force . I am taking your complaint very seriously . But , since no crime has been committed , I can ’ t do anything . Report it to your Super . Good day ma ’ am .” When I returned home , I noticed that a surveillance camera showed up on the tower of the building located directly across Park Avenue .
The Muldoon-Fats had rendered me impotent , turned me into a castrated castrating bitch . But , just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water ( no reference to my hose foray
The Muldoon-Fats were finally in their apartment . Now was the time to strike . Feeling like the Navy Seals poised to storm Bin Laden ’ s hiding place compound , I knocked on their door . “ Hi ,” said the door . What ’ s for lunch ?” “ Who ’ s there ?” asked Liam . “ Your neighbor .” Liam stood inside his apartment while holding his door open against her will .
“ Your air conditioner is disturbing me . Why can ’ t you turn it off when you ’ re not home ?” I asked .
“ Because we have to keep our very expensive furniture cold .”
“ I don ’ t see expensive furniture . I see nugahide . Are you telling me that the poor dead cute little nugas need to keep their pelts cold ? Do the dead nugas need to avoid schvitzing ? Miss Yetta wears cow skin pants . Do you wear nuga skin pants ?” Do you want me to bring the nugas back from the dead to testify against you in a cruelty to animals case ? I can do that you know .”
I heard a weird scratching noise and walked alone into the bedroom to investigate . The noise was coming from inside the closet . The closet door told me to open it and look inside . I saw two cute little skunk-like animals with orange bodies and a magenta stripe huddled together in a cage .
“ Help ,” they said in tandem . “ We ’ re nugas . If you don ’ t save us , Liam will make nuga stew out of us and use our hides to repair his couch .”
“ Do you function like skunks who need to defend themselves ?”
“ Yes , we have a skunkian defense mechanism .”
“ When I need to make another big stink to live in peace , if I hold you up to the bathroom air vent , will you raise your cute tails and start spritzing ?”