Subcutaneous Magazine Revenge 2017 | Page 27

Muldoon-Fats sons decided to put the surveillance tape on the Internet ? Oy , now I have worry about being subjected to Paris Hilton mode sex tape tsuris .
I returned to my apartment and tore up the two hundredth threatening note that I was about to deliver to the Muldoon-Fats . Too bad that they would never read this text : “ Surrender Liam and Wong Foo . With hate , Sondra .” I phoned more New York City agencies and hit more brick walls — until I contacted Mimi Horowitz-Berkowitz , the Mayor ’ s special noise consultant . I kissed the ground when I discerned that Mimi was someone who could finally help me . She is a feminist sociology professor who started a Women ’ s Studies department . Mimi fell in love with me at first complaint . This acquaintance of Bella Abzug could be my savior . But it was not to be . Professor Horowitz-Berkowitz wrote a letter on my behalf to Cruella and Gomorrah . She related the upshot in her Jewish patrician accent . “ My husband and my daughter are lawyers . They never saw such a nasty letter as the one I received . Your building sucks .”
You ’ re telling me . I went so far as to stand in front of Cruella while whirring . ‘ Whir whir whir ,’ I said to her while questioning the legality of impersonating an air conditioner in the public building areas . I told Cruella , that , since I now speak fluent “ Whir ,” I wanted to go back in time to re-take my Ph . D . foreign language requirement exam . I offered to give Cruella my apartment free of charge if she could rationally explain how her statement that the noise is not a problem supersedes a noise consultant ’ s statement to the contrary . I stood in front of Cruella and the song I wrote to describe my frustration : The lyrics : “ one expensive apartment , two whirring air conditioners , three stomping children , four irate shareholders in a pickle because their sympathetic door resembles a salad , and five undisclosed surveillance cameras . True , I only knew about three cameras . But I just bet that two more were hidden somewhere . The door insinuated as such .
“ A salad sodden door ? I hope that you didn ’ t do anything illegal ,” said Mimi . “ I once helped someone who shot his noisy neighbor dead . While serving as an expert witness , I was able to reduce his sentence from death to life imprisonment . Calm down , Sondra .”
“ But Mimi the door enjoys the food fight .” “ What ?” “ Don ’ t ask .” Even though Mimi convinced me to end my salad days , I still entertained door attack / feeding mode food for thought . Deploying tomatoes would have had amazing tactical possibilities — and maybe the door needed to add more fiber to her diet . I could never throw eggs at the Muldoon-Fats ’ windows and blame the yellow and white splat on a gaggle of passing pregnant seagulls . ( Three sea gulls really do fly around Park Avenue in the early evening . I named the birds Irwin , Stanley and Sheldon . If I attribute pregnancy to them , I would have to change their names to Shirley , Shelby , and Myra .) Instead of thinking about lost opportunities , I decided to focus on reality . I concluded that Liam and Wong Foo , the owners of an apartment with straight shot proximity to the Empire State Building , had to be either terrorists or spies . They could wish for the Empire State Building what I wished for their air conditioners : immediate destruction at all costs .
I absolutely believed my conclusion to be true . Ditto for my dissertation director — and he is much closer to me than Fiedler . His nephew works with Wong Foo at Shitibank . This eminent scholar went so far as to warn his nephew about Woo Fung . The incredulous nephew reported that Woo Fung was a lovely person who could not possibly be a terrorist or a spy .
“ Well she is not lovely to me ,” I said to my former professor . “ Does your nephew expect that Woo Fung would be obvious and