THE LIGHT OF GOD
HAS SET ME FREE
My pathway to self-destruction had
already been created when a family
member abused me at 14-years-old. I
kept the dirty little secret to myself and
refused to tell anyone. A few years later
when I finally mustered up the courage to
do so, it was brushed aside. Those closest
to me didn’t believe what I told them. I
was even blamed for it.
I was forced to withhold it for over four
years and when I tried to speak up, it was
thrown back in my face. I was enraged.
No one can fathom the pain this caused
me. In fact, as a result, my perspective on
life changed. My life was like water in my
hands. It was slipping through my fingers
and I couldn’t control it.
I developed severe anger problems, a
rotten attitude and had absolutely no
regard for other people whatsoever.
Outings with my “girls” and I would always
turn into fights with people. It didn’t
matter who they were – men or women,
we didn’t care. I felt like I needed to be in
control. When I was abused, I had been
the victim, I couldn’t fend for myself, but
this time I refused. I was determined that
it would never happen again and the only
way I could do this was to fight my way
through life – or so I thought. People were
afraid of me and I thrived off knowing
that it was I calling the shots.
At a young age I started getting involved
in relationships that were nothing but
toxic for me. I would be with one guy but
once I got bored and did what I wanted
with him, I’d move onto another one.. I
had very little value for myself so in my
eyes, there was nothing wrong with what
I was doing. Men did it to women so why
couldn’t I do the same to them?
STOP SUFFERING|10
At the age of 20, I went to jail to serve a
three and a half year sentence.
After a few months, I grew accustomed
to the prison lifestyle. I made a group of
friends, sold drugs to other inmates and
got into fights with them. On the surface
I was a hardened girl, but on the inside,
I was afraid. I didn’t know where my
life was heading. The feeling of having
my freedom capped was absolutely
petrifying. When I was released, I
promised myself that I would never go
back, but my temper was still a problem.
After my stint in prison, I started going
out with this guy. Initially he seemed
charming but after seven years, he
became extremely abusive.
My life was such a mess and I was stuck.
Our relationship was so toxic that one day
we had an argument so extreme, my dad
had to intervene and that was when our
relationship came to an end.
I remember one day sitting down and
reflecting on the person I had become
and I hated myself. I just wanted to die!