the atomic similarity of blood and chlorophyll . And sometimes , I just sense the whole of being in a single breath , as if the Buddha just struck me on the head and I became one with all .”
Avrom picked up a handful of earth , “ But even though you are here promising that there is another world , my life is finite . I will die . My consciousness will end . And all of this , for me , will stop .” The dirt falls from his hand and disintegrates into dust . “ I am human . I cannot be more . My love is only human love , the love of the heart .”
God remained silent ; Avrom continued , “ I once thought of making a bumper sticker that said , ‘ God is Irony ;’ sarcasm may be profane , but irony always seemed holy to me — a Devine smile . Ironic , isn ’ t it , that people think of themselves as children of God , and yet you don ’ t understand a parent ’ s love . You just don ’ t get it .”
Still , God does not speak .
“ Thousands of years ago , you asked Abraham to do the same thing , and I don ’ t know why . What are you trying to prove ? You ’ re obviously greater than I , whether you are God or the Devil , and you can have your way with many things ; you can kill me , but you can ’ t make me do your will . I have to make that choice .”
Avrom waited for God ’ s response , but there was only silence . “ Why now go back on your own proscription against sacrifice ? What ’ s up with that ?” smirked Avrom . He was unafraid as he spoke to God .
The look on Avrom ’ s face was a new look , not defiant ; it was confident but not haughty . Anybody looking at him would have thought that he felt good . He looked happy . “ It can ’ t be to test my faith , because it is not a test of that . It is a measure of my fear and self-centeredness . You aren ’ t asking me to choose between my son and you , you are asking me to choose between him and me .”
“ You disappoint me , Avrom ,” said God . “ The feeling ’ s mutual ,” blurted Avrom , “ but that ’ s beside the point . It ’ s not important what I think . What matters is what I do . It ’ s like the Jews during the Inquisition who gave their own lives rather than to renounce their faith . If I ’ m willing to pay with my own life , then I am free .” Returning to the house , Avrom went into his office and shut the door . The voice of God followed him , “ You are not only a disappointment to me , Avrom , you are letting down all of humanity .”
“ We disagree ,” said Avrom , “ I cannot transcend being human , no matter how well I understand the world beyond the limits of humanity . I cannot be an angel . I must be a man . No matter what my philosophical or theological understanding , no matter that you have proved your existence to me ; no matter what I could say to Simon , at my very core , deep in the marrow of mine and Simon ’ s beings is only the experience we share ; the love we feel for each other . You should know that . And no ! Absolutely and finally , No ! I will not kill my son !”
Avrom turned to leave the room . A sudden tightness clamped his chest . His breath grew short . In the first second of panic , a force hit him obliterating all light , sound , thought , existence . It was as though a fast-moving freight train had suddenly struck him . His body lay motionless . The light vibrated with gentle echoes , shimmering in the quiet .
When Simon came into the room , the train was long gone . He saw his father lying there . It seemed strange . Was he joking ? He couldn ’ t be asleep . “ C ’ mon , Dad . Get up ,” said Simon . Avrom didn ’ t move . Simon pushed him and was shocked by the limp weight of Avrom ’ s body . Scared , Simon fell to his knees . “ Dad , get up ! Please !” he pushed him again and again . He knew about heart attacks , he knew about horror . He had heard of so much terror in his young life . It was the way of the modern world .
Tears were flowing down his face and he was sobbing , rocking back and forth with both hands against his father ’ s body , he kept pushing and pushing . Avrom ’ s body jostled back and forth , like dead weight .
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