think of the missing key that would open the door and set him free , and he had been unable to make it work .
Ironically he had turned his back on all the paths others seemed to follow to make sense of their lives . He ’ d dropped out of school , found the ability to cope through drugs and alcohol and kept making wrong choices , even when he knew better . He had been miserable . His life had been a shambles . A refuse pile of spoiled opportunities and burned bridges . Junk .
Oh there had been adventures . He ’ d vagabonded around the world , rescued time and again by beautiful women and good fortune . But beneath it all he was empty , insecure and lost .
But now he prayed and he wasn ’ t alone anymore . Prayed not because he wanted to , or believed he was petitioning a king on a throne , but because he had to . He found he could ask for the strength to walk through his fears and deal with the results . It wasn ’ t belief so much as action .
He and Suzanne were so different and yet so similar . Searching , she had been willing to follow almost any guru that caught her fancy , looking for a divinely inspired guiding hand . While Avrom had been hunkered down in dope-filled darkness , dreams of grandeur dancing like sugar plums , expecting the hand of Divinity to crash through the roof and elevate him to greatness .
Avrom was cynical and Suzanne was mystical , both had lived in expectation , rather than in the present , and both were separated from themselves and the world . Now Avrom realized that cynicism blocked his spiritual development , and Suzanne knew that the gurus hadn ’ t helped her ; they ’ d led her astray . The gurus had catered to her self-centeredness , even while preaching humility and self-sacrifice . Their spiel was all about losing the ego but people ’ s egos and their needs were what drew them to the gurus . Avrom and Suzanne had met in a place strange to them both — reality .
He was happy . Dreams had not come true , but the surprises had turned out even better . Accepting his limitations , not as restrictions , but as the design of his life , becoming honest and really who he was , had set him free to live unfettered by expectation , able to find joy in the grandeur of an ordinary day .
Checking his watch as they left the house , he beseeched Simon , as he had a million times before , “ Don ’ t slam the door . Have some consideration for Suzanne ; she ’ s still asleep . You know how hard she works .”
Late again . He ’ d have to rush . It took an hour out of his day to drive them to school . First they ’ d drop off Rachel , then drive about 20 minutes in the opposite direction to get Simon to his school . As soon as they sat in the car Rachel turned on the radio and started scanning stations for music .
Avrom had never envisioned himself as a father , making his kids ’ lunches and taking them to school . His own father had been a washout . He was a flawed , if sometimes interesting , human being ; he definitely wasn ’ t a father , to Avrom or anyone . Avrom doubted if his father had ever really loved him . He wasn ’ t there for him in the simple , everyday ways a boy needs a father in his life . Not for philosophical insight , or great wisdom , but just being there to play catch with , to be a male presence in the house , to discipline him and teach him the responsibilities of being a man . Being a man wasn ’ t easy for Avrom , neither was being a dad .
After he dropped off the kids , Avrom switched the radio to “ Morning Edition ” on National Public Radio . Then he reached up and pulled the switch that opened the moonroof , letting the soft blue and yellow Los Angeles morning into the car . He felt the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the air , ignoring the invisible pollutants that plagued this gorgeous part of the planet .
The traffic was heavy . Avrom concentrated on the stream of cars on the road and drifted in thought at the same time , all these lives , fantasies and fates .
The voice shocked him . “ I AM THE LORD , THY GOD !”
Avrom almost slammed on the brakes and stepped on the gas at the same time . His head jerked to the left ,
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