Special Delivery Winter 2014-2015 | Page 34

Early Days

There are other losses particular to the postnatal period. Research shows that the loss of the childbirth and/or breastfeeding experience women wanted can be deeply distressing, and this is something I often see in my Early Days groups for new mothers. Women can feel that they have failed or let their baby down in some way. But we should not blame ourselves for the many factors outside our control which mean that things have not worked out the way we wanted them to.

There is also the loss of the ‘ideal’ baby of pregnancy. This loss can be more acute if there is a wide gulf between the real and imaginary baby because, for instance, the baby is suffering from illness. In the case of disability, parents can suffer chronic sorrow because the loss is continuous.

Becoming a mother can reawaken earlier losses. One study found that women who had previously suffered a loss through miscarriage or stillbirth were significantly more likely to be anxious and depressed following the birth of a healthy child.

The previous loss of a family member can have a significant impact during the postnatal period (and beyond), as a woman revisits her bereavement in her new role as a mother. The loss of a mother can bring particular challenges. As Hope Edelman points out in her book Motherless Mothers, it is not possible to mourn being a motherless mother until you actually become one. The emotional and practical support mothers often provide during the postnatal period can be sorely missed.

The sense of loss some women feel in the postnatal period can be overwhelming and cause extreme distress. In a study on depression, the researcher Cheryl Tatano Beck writes vividly of how “loss permeated deep into the crevices of depressed mothers’ lives. It insidiously seeped into the very fibre of their beings.”

There are no easy answers to dealing with the various losses involved in becoming a mother. Simply being aware that these losses exist and are common to new mothers can help. It is normal to feel sad about the passing of your old life. The researcher Paula Nicolson argues that in order to recover from the losses surrounding motherhood, you need to recognise they are there.

It is important to keep hold of a sense of yourself and avoid feeling eclipsed by the needs of the baby. In my Early Days groups, I try to encourage women to find ways to reconnect with their old sense of self, whether that involves a haircut, reading a book or having a bath. In my experience, new mothers can find it difficult to give themselves permission to do things for themselves. The adage ‘happy mum, happy baby’ is a good one, but you should also remember that you are a person in your own right, with valid and important needs.

It can also help to try to regain a sense of control in some way, however small. Simple things can make a difference, such as having a shower or brushing your hair. One woman on one of my Early Days courses talked about how making the bed every morning helped her feel better. But attempts to regain control can cause even more distress, for instance becoming fixated on housework or trying to get your baby into a routine that does not suit him. Here what I call the ‘misery test’ should be applied – if something is making you feel stressed and unhappy, it’s usually a sign to ditch it and do something different.

Perhaps one of the most effective ways to deal with loss is to seek and accept support from partners, family and friends. Practical support with the baby and housework can help you feel less tired and overwhelmed. Emotional support (such as being told you are doing a great job) builds confidence.

Support from other new mothers can be particularly helpful. It is understandable to experience feelings such as frustration, exhaustion and despair – looking after a baby is very demanding, both emotionally and physically. Finding out that others are experiencing similar problems and emotions helps put them into context as being a normal part of motherhood. There are lots of ways to meet other mums locally through the NCT. As well as our antenatal and postnatal courses, there are postnatal teas, playgroups and events. You can find out more about what’s available on the NCT website (www.nct.org.uk/branches/clapham) or by following us on Facebook.