There is a powerful belief in our culture of ‘maternal instinct’ and women can therefore blame themselves for not being able to interpret their baby’s behaviour and stop them from crying.
But, like any new role in life, caring for a baby takes time to get used to. Your baby is also going through a period of adjustment, learning to cope with life outside the womb (which is why recreating a womb-like environment through holding, rocking and ‘shushing’ can help comfort young babies). We still do not know what causes inconsolable crying (also called colic) but we do know that it is universal and happens regardless of what parents do.
Another loss, which can be closely related to feelings of confidence, is a sense of loss of control. Babies are often unpredictable and life can feel unstructured and shapeless, with night shading into day. Having control over your time and making plans suddenly becomes much trickier. Research shows that feelings of loss of control can be very distressing for new mothers.
New mothers can feel a profound loss of a sense of self. As well dealing with the loss of confidence and control, there is the loss of your pre-baby life. It can feel like your pre-baby self has completely disappeared. In her book A Life’s Work, the novelist Rachel Cusk writes graphically of her sense of loss: “The rest of my life resembles a deserted settlement, an abandoned building in which a rotten timber occasionally breaks and comes crashing to the floor.”
The physical and emotional experiences of pregnancy and childbirth can contribute to this sense of loss of self. Your post-baby body can feel very different from the form it took during and before pregnancy. Typical postnatal problems such as stiches, piles, incontinence, bleeding and backache can all contribute to the sense of not feeling like your normal self.
The arrival of a baby is a momentous event, and life will never be the same again for new parents. Any major life change inevitably entails losses as well gains, but the losses involved with having a baby can be unexpected and challenging.
The loss of time and sleep are the most obvious changes. The demands of looking after a new baby usually radically reshape the texture of parents’ lives and this can come as a big shock. The constant cycle of feeding, soothing and nappy changing can leave little room to do much else.
A loss of confidence is common. Many first-time parents have little or no practical experience of looking after a baby and have to master a whole new set of skills. New babies can be unsettled and hard to read, with unpredictable sleeping patterns and bouts of inconsolable crying. Trying to work out what a baby needs can be baffling and distressing. There is a powerful belief in our culture of ‘maternal instinct’ and women can therefore blame themselves for not being able to interpret their baby’s behaviour and stop them from crying.
Early Days
Losing it?
Life with a new baby
Clapham NCT Postnatal Leader Alex Bollen considers the losses involved in becoming a mother