Parenthood
So it’s not just that looking in the mirror with my kit off is like looking at someone else, I don’t recognise the clothed person either. The jeans and jumpers and flat shoes. The lack of cleavage. The lack of colour. It pains me to feel I am a shadow of my former self.
I really miss going out with friends. When you’re the party planner, the social butterfly, the bad influence, and have to stop being that because you’re exhausted, or pregnant, or broke, I think a little part of your my soul died! That’s wildly dramatic of course, but when seeing people and getting dressed up and eating out is basically what you do for fun, take that away and what is left? Necking a bottle of wine in vomit-covered pjs on your own in the kitchen on a Friday because it’s been another really hard week of mothering isn’t quite the same.
And I just never really was a knitter, or a yoga person or a stamp collector. I don’t have those helpfully solitary indoor activities to fall back on while I’m sat tearing my (probably unwashed) hair out with cabin fever or a serious case of FOMO.
I want to bring my children up with strong senses of themselves, and recently I realised that, at the moment, I have no idea who I am anymore. Me, the person outside of the mothership scenario, has been eroded by bad underwear, cash-sapping childcare and a sense of humour battered by trying to find the funny in four straight hours of Paw Patrol.
These are all first world problems, obviously. And this is the bit where I have to say how much I love my children. Because I do. But one day they’ll be going off to university or getting their own place to live, and what will be left of me?
So I’m dusting off my summer dresses (who doesn’t love a flamingo print maxi?!) and gradually getting back into the habit of painting my nails bright cheerful colours. Because it’s shiny- shiny and makes me look a bit more like I have my shit together. Which makes me feel a bit more like I have my shit together.
And the other stuff I’m just going to have to figure out as I go along, but this is the year I’m taking me back, one slightly-too-bright-for-my-face red lipstick at a time.
Christina lives in South London with her husband and their two children, who are three and one. As well as working in film & TV, Christina makes THIS MAMA DOES cards – funny parenting milestone cards (pictured). Clapham NCT readers can get 15% off all cards with code CLAPHAMNCT from her website:
For more from Christina you can find her on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook @thismamadoes