I often think that when you give birth you get another less attractive gift, the guilt factor. Mums have an alarming tendency to feel responsible for everything and therefore to feel guilty whenever anything goes awry or simply not as planned. I have even felt responsible for the weather when it led to disappointment over plans being changed.
So here are the 5 top guilt triggers I have experienced with women and hopefully I can debunk them all.
Number 1 has to be
birth. Women feeEL sense of disappointment and failure when a birth does not go as planned and from that comes the guilt that perhaps “it was my fault, I didn't prepare well enough or try hard enough”. What nonsense. If we stop and consider, we know that the birth we experience if more often the result of luck and circumstance. It is certainly not the “fault” of the woman. In fact, I always think that the woman who experiences the really challenging birth is the one who deserves our admiration as she has faced up to the tough choices and come through it for her baby.
Breastfeeding, oh
dear that’s a real guilt trip. “I didn't have enough milk” or “I couldn't feed my baby”. Well actually it should be “I didn't get the right help and support.” We all know that breastfeeding for the first time is a real challenge for many women and they need consistent and regular daily support, something that is not forthcoming in our current maternity services. So, ye,s it is great to breastfeed but just remember your baby wants a happy mum more than she wants a world class breastfeeder.
My baby won’t
settle. It seems like everybody else’s baby sleeps like an angel but yours just wants to be held all the time. It must be your fault, right? Wrong! All newborn babies NEED to be held most of the time in the early weeks. It provides the necessary reassurance so that they can thrive and develop. So, every time you cuddle your baby you are helping him to develop his brain, to feel confident and secure and to give him the very best start.
“I never seem to have time to cook a meal or clean the house”. Well of course you don’t you have a newborn baby and traditionally you would be cared for by your extended family who would do all the cooking and cleaning for you. It is only relatively recently and in western society that women are deprived of this support and expected to manage alone. You shouldn't have to be alone and for goodness sake, so forget about the cooking and cleaning for a bit. Your baby won't be a newborn for long and you will miss this special time when it is gone.
You are going back to work or you are a stay at home mum. Either way women manage to feel guilty about their choice (sometimes it isn’t even a choice). If you go back to work you will will worry about who is looking after your little one, have you got the time for ‘quality time’ with him, will you miss the special milestone,s and don't get me started on when he is poorly!
If you stay at home, are you depriving the family of additional income that might offer your child greater opportunities? Is he missing out? You get the picture, whatever you do the potential for guilt is tremendous. Just remember that nobody cares more about your child and her wellbeing than you so any choice you make will be the right one and NO GUILT!
In my experience mothers are awesome, they not only create and nurture our future, they create the cement that holds the fabric of our society together. An amazing achievement.
THE PARENTING GUILT TRAP
by TINA PERRIDGE
www.neighbourhoodmidwives.co.uk
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