Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 96

BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN CONT.
We are all beautifully broken in one way or another, and I like to believe
that our persistence and patience through the plethora of trials that life
throws at us fills our cracks with gold. We have the ability to turn our souls
into something even more magnificent and beautiful than they were at the
start. We are not defined by the pains we go through, we are defined by the
strength and courage that is found in our healing.
To me personally, this relates most to my experiences with mental illness,
in particular depression. For the longest time I convinced myself that
I deserved to feel the sadness and pain that I did. I slept my life away. I
avoided people. I told myself the meanest and most irrational lies that
destroyed my self confidence. I felt like the more broken I got, the less
lovable I was. I felt like I was beyond repair.
I hit an all time low in January of 2015, resulting in a hospital stay. I didn't
feel like life was worth it. Actually, I felt like I wasn't worth living. And that
breaks my heart to say now, because after all this time, I have seen the
cracks that covered my soul slowly be filled with gold.
I am happy. I am so happy right now, and I am happy with who I have
become. A year ago, I would not imagine myself to be where I am today. A
year ago, I came home from my first semester of college due to depression.
I felt worthless, guilty, a failure. There were many times where I would
contemplate the idea of escaping life.
My life was saved by countless things, but primarily by my desire to find joy.
And I did. I found joy in my family, who has been there through the most
painful and heart wrenching times. I found joy in being a nanny, in finding
an occupation that made me feel like I was needed. I found joy in finding the
right therapist (after cycling through tons of others). I found joy with the
right medicines, which are NOT a bad thing when it comes to your health.
For so long, I stopped even looking for reasons to be happy. I stopped
hoping for to get better. I was so convinced that I deserved unhappiness,
94  Resilience