Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 70

I AM SORRY, MOMMY CONT.
physical appearance, and food. By starving myself, I found
something that made me feel successful in the midst of my lack
of control. I found something that helped me to believe I wasn’t
a mistake and unfit for receiving affection. But that was not a
healthy way to cope with those feelings.
Through program, we figured out that I’ve had anxiety my
whole life but coped with it through unhealthy ways. When
eating was forced upon me and my perfectionism was stolen
from me, I began having multiple panic attacks a day. After
a few months of being discharged and attempting to hit the
“unpause” on my life, I struggled in ways that are difficult to
put into words. My psychiatrist ended up diagnosing me with
depression. I also struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
tightly knit with my anxiety and eating disorder.
After all these months, I have been able to see the positive
aspects of the difficult journey life has handed me. I am very
self aware and able to analyze my feelings. I have learned
how to communicate effectively and cope with strenuous
emotions. I have gained an ability to show my vulnerabilities
and imperfections to others but most importantly, I can now
accept them within myself.  I will help others thanks to what
this huge challenge has given me, because even if I cannot
change the whole world, I am determined to change at least
one person’s world. That to me is valid enough reason as to why
I have struggled with this.
No, I am not fully recovered yet but I work hard to fight the
overpowering guilt, to educate others on the false stigmas of
EDs, to acknowledge when my stomach growls and not hide
my food, to look at myself in the mirror and say aloud, “I love
you stomach; Thank you for being a part of me,” even if I do not
believe that statement quite yet. I see light at the end of the
tun nel (and I know it isn’t a train coming to hit me). I am not
my eating disorder, my anxiety, my depression, nor my OCD. I
am Bryn. And if you ask me, I am filled with shining light, full
68  Eating Disorders & Identity