Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 113

My actual suicide attempt occurred on a Thursday night in mid-April in 2016. It was
not jumping. Prior to this writing, only four people were aware that it had happened
- not even my parents. What transpired was not a situation in which I miraculously
survived: instead, I chose life seconds before putting myself in true peril. I unlooped
the belt. I stood up. I cried myself to sleep.
My recovery was self-directed and fueled by a desire to live a fuller life. I wish, looking
back, that I had sought out help, and had not been ashamed of my struggle; but I was,
and I did not get help. So, during the summer of 2016, I rebuilt my shattered world all
alone. I started living, learning, dressing and thinking like the person that I wanted
to be - like a person that I did not hate. Was it conforming? Maybe. Was it necessary
in order for me to survive? Absolutely. I now live happily at a wonderful school with
incredible friends. I have faced new mental health challenges in the past year. In
spite of them, I have not considered killing myself. This past week, I biked across the
Golden Gate bridge, and I did not look down at the waters but instead ahead at the
beautiful view.
Today, suicide is the furthest thing from my mind - but suicide prevention is not. To
every person who loathes themselves, who thinks that their life is not worth living,
or who believes that they are alone in this world, know that I am with you. Know that
there are countless people out there who value your existence. Know that it is always,
always okay to ask for help. And, above all, understand that while recovery is long, life
is so much sweeter. I promise that, eventually, you will once again be able to dream
about the right kind of flying. ●
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