Jottings
Hughes protested they refused to listen and compared his actions to those who discard cigarette butts on the streets . Kingdom has been employed by Wirral Council to reduce littering in the borough for the past two years . They take up to half of each fine issued but deny they operate a bonus culture amongst staff who are incentivised to hand out as many tickets as a possible .
Ironically , Mr Hughes used to work with the Wirral Environmental Network and taught others about gardening and waste reduction . He said that if he had put the stones in a plastic bag , as the officers instructed him , the bag would take at least 2,000 years to break down in a landfill . “ The charge on me doesn ’ t seem to be about protecting the environment in any way at all ,” he said .
Spare a thought for ...
... seven Roman Catholic seminarians in clerical dress who went into the City Arms pub in Cardiff in July to toast a colleague ’ s ordination . They were stunned when they were stopped at the door by a bouncer who explained the bar did not admit fancy dress or stag parties . They were about to leave when the manager appeared and said , “ You ’ re real , aren ’ t you ?” before inviting them and buying a round .
... Chris Richmond of Fekenham in Norfolk who was accused by police of carrying a body wrapped in a duvet in the boot of his car . Officers said a “ distressed member of the public ” had tipped them off , but let Mr Richmond go when they found the bundle was bedding for his dogs , Max and Dill .
... workmen at Tesco Express in Ashton upon Mersey who were in disgrace for wolf whistling at customers . An investigation showed the culprit was actually Ted , a parrot in a pet shop across the road . Someone ruffled the wrong feathers , we think .
... travellers on Singapore ’ s public transport system who have been the target of a “ mischief ” maker . Police have detained a 60-year-old man accused of leaving toothpicks sticking upright in bus seats , ready to give the next passenger a nasty surprise . He faces a fine or two years behind bars , or both .
... passengers trying to catch the 7.43am train from Oxford to London on July 23 which left Oxford without picking up any of them . No-one had turned up to open the station so they couldn ’ t get onto the platform .
One of 50 or so commuters waiting called Customer Services and the doors were finally unlocked at 8.00am . Apparently the worker who should have opened them earlier overslept .
Chiltern Rainways said later , “' Staff arrived later than they should have .” Hmmm . We ’ d never have guessed that was the reason .
They walk amongst us
South Wales Police posted a photograph of wanted man on their Facebook page . Wayne Esmond , aged 35 , promptly added a comment : “ I am him . Not a very flattering mugshot . I ’ d appreciate it if you ’ d take this post down . Innocent until proven guilty and all that . I ’ ve spoken to my solicitor and they will advise me what to do next . Thanks .” He has now been arrested .
An Irish MP has blamed damage to a road on fairies after an uneven surface on the N22 road was repaired , but reappeared mysteriously . Danny Healy- Rae claimed the problem was caused by “ numerous fairy forts in the area ,” tampering with which can cause one to be cursed . The local council said it was due to a “ deeper underlying subsoil / geotechnical problem .”
International Headlines
The Global Harbour commercial centre in Shanghai has introduced husband storage facilities for bored men who have accompanied their wives shopping . The glass pods include a chair , monitor , computer and game pad where parked husbands can play vintage video games while their wives spend their money .
Police in Louisiana stopped a “ car full of drunks ” on July 8 and arrested the driver for driving while intoxicated . The car ’ s passengers rode home in a taxi , but one of the women then drove back to the police station to bail out the driver . Officers arrested the woman for the same offence and she joined her friend in jail .
Six suspects in a Denver mugging in June snatched the victim ’ s brand-new iPhone . After using his credit cards at a nearby store , the thieves then used the phone to post a Snapchat story about their adventures to the victim ’ s account ... where his friends and the police could clearly see their faces .
Police in Michigan are hoping a thief may be drawn back to the scene of his crime . Surveillance video captured a bald man making off with seven boxes of a hair-growth product on June 22 . Police said , “ It is suspected he will continue committing this type of crime , as 12 to 14 months of consistent use is needed to see results .”
Quotes
Prince Philip , the Duke of Edinburgh and consort to Queen Elizabeth II , retired from public life last month aged 96 after having completed 22,219 solo engagements since 1952 . He is noted for occasionally making observations which have been regarded as awkward , politically incorrect or even offensive gaffes . Here are some of his best .
“ What do you gargle with , pebbles ?” ( to Tom Jones )
“ I declare this thing open ... whatever it is .” ( on a visit to Canada in 1969 )
“ It looks like a tart ’ s bedroom .” ( on seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York ’ s house at Sunninghill Park in 1988 )
“ Yak , yak , yak ! Come on - get a move on !” ( shouted from the deck of Britannia in Belize in 1994 to the Queen who was chatting to her hosts on the quayside ).
“ How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test ?” ( to a driving instructor in Oban during 1995 ).
“ Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world .” ( in Thailand during 1991 just after he had accepted a conservation award ).
“ You can ’ t have been here that long - you haven ’ t got a pot belly .” ( to a Briton in Budapest in 1993 )
“ I wish he ’ d turn the microphone off .” ( on Sir Elton John at the Royal Variety Performance in 2001 ).
“ When a man opens a car door for his wife , it ’ s either a new car or a new wife .” ( on marriage ).
“ If you stay here much longer , you ' ll all be slitty-eyed .” ( famously to British students in China during the 1986 state visit )
“ Where did you get that hat ?” ( to the Queen – allegedly – during the Coronation ).
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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