Jottings
from previous page
As for DCC Cooke, he/she/they stated in
his/her/their message that, “being mis-
gendered can have a huge impact on
somebody and their personal wellbeing.”
Over 6,000 people have criticised the
senior officer for “wasting time” and
suggesting he/she/they should be
pursuing criminals. One commented,
“I’m hearing that Cheshire Constabulary
no longer identifies as a proper police
force.”
Two years ago Cheshire Police saw a 36
per cent rise in crime which was the
third highest in the country. Just thought
we should mention it ...
A photo posted on social media last
month put a witty slant on the trending
topic of 2019. It pictured a blue wheely
bin, on the side of which was written, “I
identify as a green bin.”
Reader comments included, “Very brave
bin to come out and identify as
something else. Hope it gets the support
and counselling it needs.” Others
contributed, “Who are we to tell it
otherwise’” and “I thought it was non
BINary,” although someone delved
deeper into the blue bin’s psyche by
suggesting,”It’s not a bin – it’s a
wheelbarrow.”
Primark’s problem
Poor old Primark – they’ve done it
again. Hot on the heels of their
Disney top carrying a Harry Potter
logo, a bedding set with a logo
proclaiming its owner does “belive” in
unicorns, a special tee-shirt for fans
of a sitcom which proclaimed the
wearer would rather be “watchng”
Friends, and a shirt displaying a
picture of “Wnnie” the Pooh, comes
their coup de grâce.
It’s a tea towel decorated with a map of
London. At least we think it’s London,
because in Primark Land, Big Ben is not
located next to the Houses of Parliament
and lies on the south bank of the
Thames. But that’s countered by the
London Eye appearing wrongly on the
north bank.
The Gherkin and St Pauls Cathedral (no
apostrophe in Primark Land!) are on the
wrong side of Tower Bridge, and
Westminster (or Westminister in
Primark-speak) has also crossed the
Thames. But it’s good to know that in
Primark Land, swans are apparently
bigger than taxis, if the design is to be
believed.
Primark has withdrawn the tea towels
and apologised for the errors. At least
they got that right.
Indulgences
The perfect Christmas gift for the
person who has everything except a
personalised chocolate bar: a luxury,
hand-crafted Kit Kat. And will only cost
up to £14 (€16) per treat.
Bespoke Kit Kats allow the customer to
order a customised bar from almost
1,500 possible flavour combinations.
These include rose petals and cocoa nib,
marmalade, Earl Grey and “whisky &
ginger,” with the extra possibility of
having the whole thing covered in pink
ruby chocolate made from ruby cocoa
beans grown in the Ivory Coast, Ecuador
and Brazil.
The special bars are being made to order
in Yorkshire and are priced from £7.50
(€8.70) each, depending on ingredients.
They can be ordered from the Kit Kat
website or, in store, at John Lewis in
London. Yummy!
Talking of treats, the latest craze from
Ecuador is guinea pig flavoured ice-
cream which, we hear, tastes similar to
chicken. We thought you should be
aware.
Spare a thought for ...
... Gloucester County Council who
proudly flew their new Union Flag last
month – without noticing that it omitted
the red diagonal cross which represents
Northern Ireland. They said they’d
“ordered the wrong one.”
.. a tourist in Iceland who took part in a
search party for a member of her party
who had gone missing during a visit to a
volcanic canyon. The search was called
off at 3.00am when she realised that she
was the woman who was supposed to be
missing.
... Thomas Cooke of Liverpool who
received dozens of insults and death
threats on his social media account from
people furious at the collapse of the
travel firm Thomas Cook. Apart from
the different spelling of his surname, the
snowflakes somehow confused him with
the British businessman who founded
the travel agency 178 years ago and died
in 1892.
... an unnamed American caught on
video shooting a bird which, in its death
throes, plummeted from the sky,
striking him foursquare in the genitals.
Ouch. (It’s called instant karma.)
And finally ...
Selfridges in London’s Oxford Street
claims to have been the first department
store in the world to unveil its Christmas
26
window displays. Apparently, over 100
people worked on rotating shifts for ten
days to prepare the festive decorations
for launch on October 17, a mere 69 days
before Christmas. Now, about those
Easter eggs ...
Quotes
“It happens” – Donald Trump refusing
to condemn a US diplomat’s wife who
fled from the UK after a road accident in
August while she was driving on the
wrong side of the road in Northampton.
The incident allegedly caused the death
of 19-year-old Harry Dunn.
“Oafish and insulting” – Harry Dunn’s
mother, Charlotte, on President Trump.
“They didn’t help us in Normandy” –
Trump again, this time defending why
the US abandoned the Kurds in Syria.
“They’ll go back to Europe” – Himself,
now explaining why he’s not worried
about ISIS fighters being held by
the Kurds being able to escape
amid attacks by Turkey.
“If parliament were a reality TV show,
the whole lot of us would have been
voted out of the jungle by now, but at
least we could have watched the
Speaker being forced to eat a kangaroo
testicle” – UK PM Boris Johnson
addressing the Conservative Party
Conference in Manchester last month.
“Outrage has become a commodity” –
Todd Phillips, director of the new movie
Joker, on “far left” criticism that his
depiction of a depraved murderer could
incite real-life violence.
Le Creuset saucepans, L’Occitane en
Provence almond shower gel, Veuve
Clicquot champagne, Leoube Premium
olive oil and Ladurée Macarons – All
listed by the society magazine Tatler in a
guide to household essentials its readers
should stockpile in case of a No-Deal
Brexit.
“No-one is limited” - Eliud Kipchoge
who became the first athlete to run a
marathon in under two hours last
month.
Grateful acknowledgement to the following
papers from which some of this material is
extracted: Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily
Express, Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday,
The Sun, The Sunday Times, The Times and The
Telegraph. Seen something funny, bizarre or just
plain weird? Contributions for Jottings are welcome
by email to: [email protected].