Jottings
We bet that one or two PCs have quietly suggested where he might go with his PC demand for a male voice choir to include women ...
Meanwhile , the latest skirmish over gender equality in the UK has broken out , in of all places , amongst the genteel pages of the Radio Times . The battlefield is the satirical TV news programme , “ Have I Got News For You ?” which , since it began in 1990 , has featured team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop .
In an interview promoting HIGNFY ( as it is known , apparently ), the two boys said it was difficult to find women to chair their weekly exchange of witticisms . According to Merton , more women than men say “ no ” when invited by the producers , prompting Nadine Dorries , MP for the safe conservative seat of Bedfordshire , to throw her rattle out of the pram . It ’ s “ too vicious ” for women who , she claims , are made to feel “ uncomfortable .”
Dorries blamed the “ banter ” on HIGNFY because “ women don ’ t banter in that way .” ( For those who do not have English as a first language , “ banter ” is defined as a “ playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks .) To quote Quentin Letts in the Daily Mail , “ As the late Michael Winner ( no feminist , he ) might have said , ‘ Calm down , dear , it ’ s only a light-entertainment telly show .’”
Dorries , you may recall , was heavily criticised and was suspended from her party in 2012 for failing to advise the Chief Whip that she could be absent from the House of Commons and her constituents for a month in order to appear on the reality TV show “ I ’ m a celebrity ...” In the end , though , she didn ’ t need the month off after all ; she was the first “ celebrity ” to be eliminated .
Comic Capers
Jacob Rees-Mogg is a British Conservative MP . He will be 49 this month and has represented North East Somerset since 2010 , but has been dubbed “ the Honourable Member for the 18th Century ,” thanks to his cut glass accent , upper-class mannerisms and consciously traditionalist attitudes . However , we discovered last month that he has received a formal “ cease and desist ” letter from lawyers representing a notable British publication about to celebrate its 80th anniversary : the Beano . The owners of the kids ’ comic complained that the MP ’ s , “ iconic hair parting , austere dress sense , distinctive round glasses and snootiness ,” mean that he has been “ masquerading ” as the Beano character Walter the Softy , who is frequently the butt of pranks perpetrated by Dennis the Menace and his dog Gnasher . Walter Brown , who lives next door to Dennis , first appeared in 1953 and is still portrayed in the Beano as a soppy and spoilt mummy ’ s boy who is bullied by Dennis and his gang . Rees-Mogg , on the other hand , is renowned as a rebellious Tory from the party ’ s hard right wing and it ’ s tough to imagine him being bullied by anyone ...
Apart , that is , from Mike Stirling , Head of Beano Studios in Scotland who said that the publication was “ flattered ” when it was found that Jacob Rees-Mogg has “ dedicated his life ” to impersonating Walter the Softy . However , he added that the public should follow Walter ’ s adventures in the Beano , not on the political stage , concluding , “ In other words , bog off Rees-Mogg !” The MP has not yet responded .
Animal Antics
Police in Uzbekistan have apprehended two men for stealing livestock after catching them red-handed with a calf in the back of an expensive car . Investigators said that , in order to avoid suspicion , the suspects had been transporting stolen sheep and cattle , including bulls , in a Chevrolet Malibu .
A man has complained about being barred from pubs in Inverness if he tries to enter carrying a rabbit . The animal , called Dan , lives with him along the coast in Nairn and wears a yellow hi-viz harness for outings . In a video which has gone viral on social media , Dan ’ s owner claims it ’ s a “ guide rabbit ” and should be given the same rights as guide dogs .
Jeni Arrowsmith and Mark Wood of Wrexham hired a trained owl to deliver their wedding rings to the best man at their wedding in Cheshire during March to add a touch of Hogwarts magic to the ceremony . Bobby the barn owl , carrying the rings in a pouch tied to one leg , swept majestically down the aisle as planned , but when someone pointed towards it , the bird interpreted the signal as an order to fly to his hand . Unfortunately , the wedding guest was terrified of birds and fell off his chair when the owl landed on him . After a stunned silence , the congregation broke into uproarious laughter as Bobby ’ s grim-faced handler bundled the owl away , never to be seen again .
Spare a thought for ...
... a printing firm in York who screwed up four banners ordered for Easter by Acomb Parish Church during March . The error resulted in the banners proclaiming “ Chris is Risen .” More T vicar ?
... an unnamed 17-year-old girl who took her driving test in Minnesota in March . As the examiner told her to leave the parking space and head for the open road , she shifted her vehicle into drive instead of reverse . This caused it to lurch forward through the window of the examiner ’ s office , sending him to hospital with non critical injuries . She failed the test .
... a 44-year-old woman who drove up to the security booth of a New York prison and ordered a bacon , egg and cheese sandwich . After she seemed unable to understand that she had stopped at a jail and not a fast-food takeaway , she was arrested for driving while impaired by drugs and having no driving licence .
Quotes
Users of Twitter have been rewriting famous one-line quotations . It seems the millennium generation is attempting to bring traditional wisdom firmly into the 21st century :
You can lead a horse to water but only with GPS .
Good things come to those who complain enough .
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man left without health insurance , barely able to afford the rent , and wise .
One small avocado for man , one giant price tag for mankind .
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a pumpkin spice latte .
The only thing we have to fear is no wi-fi signal .
If at first you don ’ t succeed , try restarting the app .
I procrastinate . Therefore I am .
You have nothing to fear but millennials themselves .
Play it again , Alexa .
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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