Can you forgive? Can you forget?
Why holding a grudge holds you back
If someone really hurts you, one of the best things you can do
is find somewhere safe and private where you can have a good
rant, rave, cry, scream, or stomping, roaring hissy fit!
We have all been hurt at sometime or other in our life, haven’t
we? I bet you can’t think of one single person you know who
has coasted gaily through life untouched by some kind of hurt,
disappointment, let-down, betrayal, loss or angst of one kind
or another. I certainly don’t know anyone!
Whatever it takes to get all that pent up energy – because that’s
what it is – out of you, do it. You need to express your anger.
Whenever I get really upset with someone, I have to shout, I
have to slam doors, and I cannot be in the same space as the
person who has upset me. I’m glad to say this doesn’t happen
very often, but there have been occasions… I’m human after all.
This is why I suggest you find somewhere safe and quiet – you
don’t want anyone to see you in the full throes of your
tantrum!
I always talk about self limiting beliefs, and the need to let go
of your past ‘baggage’ as two of the most important
components of living a truly happy life, but there is a third,
that is equally important, and without which you can’t truly
effect the first two.
That’s forgiveness. Good, honest to God forgiveness. Deep
down, sincere forgiveness that allows you to completely let go
of the anger, hurt and pain that NOT forgiving is causing you.
Because honestly, holding a grudge against any other person
(or situation) in your life does nothing but harm you further.
Once I get that initial rage out of the way, I feel depleted. But
that’s a good thing… the anger is no longer within me…. I’ve not
allowed it to seethe and fester inside me, where it would do a
lot more damage. I can then step back and see the situation
with more clarity and analyse it to make sense of it and decide
what is the best way forward.
Why you have a right to your anger
When someone hurts us, we have every right to be angry, to
want revenge. But most people will tell you when they did act
out their revenge, the victory they felt was hollow. Often, they
felt worse than they had before. This is because revenge is
negative and negative emotion rarely brings true satisfaction.
Why forgiveness is the best way
forward for you
Almost always, that way will be forgiveness. If we can honestly
learn from the situation and let it go with forgiveness, we
empower ourselves in ways that free us and prevent us from
storing up pain for future recycling. Forgiving someone does
not mean that you condone what they have done. You just
accept that it was wrong – that person made a bad call but you
must not let it haunt you for the rest of your life.
I’m not suggesting we put ourselves on pedestals as demi-gods
or enlightened beings capable of great insight… no, I’m just
saying that we need to accept that we are human, full of
human emotion, that the people who revolve in and out of our
lives are too, and that we all make mistakes, errors of
judgement, and we have all hurt people too… if we are honest
with ourselves.
If we can learn what the situation is trying to teach us, so much
the better. Very often what happens ‘to’ us is a reflection of
what is happening within us. We have attracted it. It is
reflected back to us. Usually, this is happening at a level below
your conscious awareness but if you sit back and really think
about it, you might learn something from it.
Not being able to forgive holds you back from being the
person you truly want to be. I can tell you from personal
experience that being able to do this really is liberating.
So the next time someone really hurts you, go find that
place….. let off all the steam you possibly can, then sit back and
reflect.
Finally, forgive and let it go. You don’t need it… holding on to
it will not serve you in any way.
Maria McMahon
BSc. (Psych) Hons,
Dip.H.E. NLP/Hyp & Author
44