Sin City Presents Magazine November 2016 Volume 3 Issue 11 - Page 29

When I turned 30 and left my husband, home and dreams of a family behind (a true soap opera like tragedy for a Latino woman), my self-view was constantly skewed. I was jealous of strange women I didn’t know and regardless of how much fun I was having in life, the minute I sensed superiority (which was a lot), my spirit would weaken and my light would dim with no warning. Similar to black out during an insecurity and appraisal torrential storm, I started wrinkle comparison shopping, zooming in on people my age or close to my age to try to see how many more fine lines they had than me or vice versa… This is where I knew I had to draw the line (pun intended). Even though I would never be mean or disruptive to others (not my style), I projected so much insecurity and self-loathing that I pushed men, friends and people out of my life. If I had a dollar for every guy I dated who told me that I was beautiful… But my insecurity turned them off. Then, I blocked out this feedback and blamed their sudden abandonment on my lack of curves, looks, personality…. To me it was always about someone else…. Never about me.

One of the most healing and transformative realizations I have been blessed with having is this understanding that I do not need to comparison shop. I am so much more than the thoughts and material body and words that I am not to be compared or shaped into something other than what I truly am and in order to embrace that side of me, I have to truly tap into the core of my thoughts and accept them (even the unsavory ones that make me question my viability as a good person) for what they truly are -- thoughts. My thoughts are extensions of me, my energy and my subconscious. They are most importantly MINE: for me to analyze, savor and expand upon… to own. Not to decide upon their significance or validity based on how they resemble, supersede or underperform with other people’s thoughts or ideas.

I am a recovering “comparholic.” I still have some moments in my day-to-day life where I have to put my blinders on. I have to remind myself to stay in my lane and not look to the side for reassurance or constant inspiration or the opportunity to self- sabotage. I wake up daily and get centered with my name (Google the meaning of your name, it will change the way you see yourself) and I meditate and bring forth the intention for myself for the day. I practice feeling beautiful and looking in the mirror and finding one positive things I like and I look at it often and when I start to hear the voices in my head bring forth that gnawing feeling of I am not good enough, I step back and call forth a proactive a moment of sheer gratitude in my life. I thank God and the universe for everything I can possibly think of that makes me feel blessed and on purpose, and before I know it, that yucky feeling of self -pity dissipates and turns into a case of I AM FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!

There is much more self-work and enlightenment for me on this magical excursion called life and as I discover more about what makes me feel aligned and truly in love with who I am, I realize that comparing myself to anyone else is a cheap way of me running away from my true potential. My challenge to myself and to anyone who can relate to this post is: Leave the comparison shopping for insurance companies and Amazon. Take control of learning about what makes you a radiant and enigmatic being; hug that real tight and let go of what should be…. So you can JUST BE!