Sin City Presents Magazine February 2019 Volume 6 Issue 2 - Page 50

Bits O" Comedy...

On social media, I've developed a small but loyal following of people who appreciate my absurd sense of humor. Sometimes the term "comic genius" gets thrown around and that embarrasses me. Mostly because I’m the only one throwing it and no one is catching. Here's a collection of random thoughts I've had.

I heard on the radio that the homeless population of Nevada is shrinking. Made me think, what kind of sick, mad scientist type is going around shrinking homeless people? Then I realized the genius of it. Now they can survive on a fraction of the food and like 50 of those tiny bastards can sleep in one cardboard box.

The traffic in Vegas is terrible, I'll never understand what people are thinking when they won’t let me merge onto the freeway. They're probably wondering, how is that guy running so fast and why is he naked?

I started a fight club with senior citizens. I beat the hell out of all of them. I know what you're thinking, that's not fair because they're old and frail, but, hey, every one of those ladies knew what she was getting into.

I save money by buying used calendars, but, all year long, I’m a few days off of everything. Sometimes I forget there's other people's old appointments written on them. I started to freak out this morning when I realized I was supposed to "take Timmy to the doctor" and I have no idea who that is.

So, apparently, it's ok to give out candy to random kids on Halloween, but I try that any other time of year and I'm a "weirdo" who must leave the school grounds.

Gonna take my wife and the girls to look at houses this weekend. And by "my wife" I mean a crack pipe and 'the girls" are a pair of panty-hose I wear on my head when I break into people's houses.

At an upcoming seminar, I'll be explaining my theory that space and time are mere illusions, just concepts that only exist in our minds. If you'd like to know where and when, you've already missed the point.

Buddhists say the key to enlightenment is surrounding all sense of ego and superiority. I think it’s working. I've almost reached the next level of consciousness and once I do, I'll be so much better than all of you morons.

For the last time, I never said I was a fighter in the UFC, I said I once got in a fight at KFC. Me and this trucker from Alabama. I almost won too, but that old lady was stronger than she looked.

I still haven’t broken my New Year's resolution to quit burying dead bodies in the desert, because, technically, this guy today was still alive.

Before I quit drinking hard liquor I used to believe if your weekend didn't end with mall security telling you to get out of the fountain and put your clothes back on, then your weekend wasn't over!

Did you know that 50% of all people on Earth make up half of the world's population?

Marijuana is now legal in Vegas. Dispensaries are everywhere. I never thought I'd see the day when I could walk to the corner and buy weed legally. I also never thought I'd see bigfoot riding a unicorn, but damn this weed is strong.

Saw this guy on the news who thought he was Jesus Christ reincarnated and he's returned with a message of peace. I thought, man, this guy is crazy! Everybody knows that's ME.

I'l never forget when I first moved to Vegas and I met Kenny Rogers, who gave me some showbiz advice. He said, "Kid, you gotta know when to hold em' and know when to fold em’

No, wait, that was PENNY Rogers, a transvestite performer and he was talking about how to hide your junk in a dress.

"I may be on a different path from you, but that doesn't mean I’m lost" -- Guy who was totally lost

"I'll go down in history. Everyone is gonna remember my name" -- Unknown

“There are no mistakes in life. Only times when you screw up real bad and blame someone else." ---Me

That's it for me, folks. I've been great! See ya next time!

SIN CITY PRESENTS MAGAZINE | FEBRUARY 2019

Sweet Pete Brown is a singer, writer and amateur astronomer currently living in Las Vegas. Singer for The Benders and Sweet Pete Brown and the Natural Facts.

https://www.facebook.com/sweetpetebrownandthenaturalfacts/

Get to know Sweet Pete! Follow him on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/sweetpetebrown and on Twitter at www.twitter.com/sweetpetebrown.

Comedy, Tragedy And The Truth