Avie J. Rainwater, III, Ph.D., ABPP I medical contributor
BOYS to MEN
While the pop boy band made everything look smooth and easy, raising men from
boys is anything but. Think about it this way, how many men do you know? You may
know a lot of adult males, but how many do you consider men? I’m talking about a
person who has a sense of self that sets him apart from other adult males who think
jeans shorts and t-shirts are acceptable forms of everyday clothing. If we think of a
man as the male who leads his life according to a definitive set of values, takes responsibility for all areas of his life, not just the easy or the good, then there are not that
many men around. The developmental psychology data suggest that only a minority
of adult males actually possess this sense of manhood. So, what is it that creates the
path for a boy to become a man?
As with most things in life I see this as a simple but not at all an easy course. We all
know life is hard. Being a man – a true “dang, there’s something different about him”
kind of guy – is a hard process, and one that never really ends but just takes on different challenges over time. During the boys to men years, there are two major tasks to
accomplish.
The first begins early, in elementary school actually. During these years, and through
middle school, give or take, a child will experience thousands of opportunities to feel
good about himself…or badly. The little boy grows into a young man, engaging the
world with increasing frequency and complexity. He will either emerge feeling confident, from a string of predominantly positive and encouraging success, or self-doubtful because his endeavors have led to more failures than accomplishments.
The challenge during this time for parents is to “catch him being good.” To help him
see that the hard knocks life throws at him are sufficiently balanced with “atta boys”
and opportunities to feel confident about his abilities. The challenge for the parents
is to accomplish this without being over-bearing or controlling. Or being one of those
overly enthusiastic parents who see missed swings always as foul balls instead of obvious strikes. This becomes the failure of the parent who can’t see that their kid stinks
at baseball and so they don’t know how to encourage his efforts without them being
tied to accomplishment.
From late middle school, to college years, the task is completely different. Assuming
the little boy has been able to acquire sufficient self-esteem, the next task is for him
to begin to define who he is going to be. The task is one of identity formation. The
average adult male has little idea of who he is…he only knows what he does. This
is because he didn’t have a father who knew who he was, so he didn’t teach his son
to develop character in his life. The son must be guided into becoming a person of
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integrity, of honesty, of loyalty, being forgiving and loving, to have others say “he’s a
patient person, such thoughtful boy,” to come to know about himself that who is can
be defined by descriptors of wonderful qualities.
Where are these things learned? Any place where the boy is going to have to learn
to play well with others is prime real estate. This involves sports, scouting, playing
in a band, playing neighborhood games on the sandlot, and even online team video games. These all give him opportunities to think beyond himself, to recognize
the impact of his actions on others, and the ultimate goal of a (hopefully) winning
score. Reading is also a huge place where so much can be learned about life outside
his own home, and biographies give a detailed look into the failures and successes of
historical (i.e., pick a president), or even contemporary (e.g., Steve Jobs) figures. Most
importantly, these things are learned at home with parental discussions, encouragement, correction and guidance.
In closing, let me state that being a single mom may or may not make this a more
challenging job. Few things are more discouraging and damaging to a child than a
father who is present in the home but absent from their lives of his children. So, yes, a
single mother can raise a fine man. True, it will be different from the teamwork of parenting with a compatible spouse, but it is doable. I say this with all confidence as one
of the finest young men I know was raised by his mother even while the interactions of
his father in his life were, more often than not, less than stellar. Whether you are single
or like-minded parents in a team, raising a boy to be a man is one of most challenging,
and important tasks of life for those with us blessed with sons.
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