She Magazine JULY 2016 | Page 86

He Says, She Says in every issue Freedom Within a Marriage he: Togetherness and separateness are two essential ingredients for a successful marriage. Like most ingredients, however; they have to be present in the right amount for the recipe to work. In other words, too much togetherness and two much separateness can be harmful to a relationship. she: I think for most people the idea that too much separateness is bad for a relationship makes sense, but it can be difficult to accept that too much togetherness can be just as problematic. If we focus on the two elements separately, it can be easy to miss the forest for the trees. Even more important than togetherness or separateness as individual aspects of a relationship is the balance between them. he: I think before we talk about the balance, let’s first get an idea of what we mean when we say “togetherness” and “separateness.” The idea of “togetherness” includes quality time, communication, physical and emotional intimacy, and shared activities, both entertaining and productive. “Separateness” refers to individual interests and hobbies, self-care, and personal friendships. Neither of these lists are conclusive, but they serve to carve out an idea of what it means to be together (actively engaged in sharing one’s life with another) and separate (actively engaged in building one’s personal life). she: A key element to both of these elements is freedom. Togetherness requires the freedom to be open, honest, and vulnerable, while separateness requires it so individuals can make their own choices and follow their own interests in a way that is respectful of each other. It is vital to understand that freedom does not mean the right to do whatever you want and expect the other person to accept it or “deal with it.” he: Yeah, I think that touches on the idea of how people can use the ideas of togetherness or separateness to hold a relationship hostage, but let’s get to that a little later. she: Back to how togetherness and separateness work together. Essentially, these two elements work together like food and hunger. When we are together with our loved ones, we are filling up on all the good things that the relationship brings to our lives. These include love, care, support, wisdom, growth, and encouragement. Once we get our fill of these vital nutrients, it is time for us to burn off our intake by engaging in separate parts of our lives, such as work, friendships, hobbies, and self-care. As we do this, we build up a hunger for togetherness all over again. he: Right, and just like food and hunger, too much of either leads to a lot of problems. I want to emphasize, again, that the togetherness-separateness cycle does not work in a relationship that is lacking in trust and respect. We only get the benefits of togetherness and separateness when we can be trusted to treat our loved ones well whether or not we are with them. If we violate our partner’s trust, then the cycle breaks down. Partners and spouses who cheat during times of separateness, or otherwise engage in unhealthy habits, not only violate the trust of the relationship, but also offset the power of togetherness. Similarly, couples that are not respectful of one another when they are together taint the purpose and need for separateness. she: I have worked with several couples over the years that have struggled on both ends of this problem. Sometimes one member of the relationship is overly clingy and needy and they manipulate and demand their loved one to stay with them all the time. Eventually, the non-clingy partner gets smothered and not only runs to be separate from the clingy partner, but usually runs away from the relationship as a whole. Similarly, avoidant relationship partners who never share or become vulnerable with their significant other often find their relationships ending when their partner seeks someone who will “let them in.” he: So, how do couples develop a healthy togetherness-separateness cycle? she: First things first, each member of the couple must examine why they are in the relationship. If someone is looking to a relationship to complete them or provide them with worth or meaning, then a healthy togetherness-separateness cycle is almost impossible to create. Either this partner will be overly clingy as they seek constant reassurance or overly avoidant, as they are afraid of vulnerability and rejection. Healthy relationships are made up of two independent individuals who compliment each other, not complete each other. continued . . . he: Dr. Seth Rainwater is a clinical psychologist and managing partner at LifeCare Psychology Group. He was raised in Florence before going to college, meeting his wife Brittany, and then earning his doctorate alongside her at Regent University in Virginia. After the Drs. Rainwater fin ished training, they moved back to SC so Brittany could work at the VA and Seth could join the family practice and work with colleagues he admires and trusts. Dr. Seth sees clients with depression, anxiety, and broken relationships and loves helping the community that has given so much to him over the years. she: Dr. Brittany Rainwater is a clinical psychologist and associate professor of Family Medicine at the McLeod Family Medicine Center. At McLeod, she trains medical residents in Behavioral Medicine, listening skills, and issues related to mental health. Before working at McLeod, Dr. Rainwater worked in the primary care clinic at the Veterans Administration. She is a native of Oklahoma, where she went to college and met her husband, Seth, before earning her doctorate at Regent University. 88 JULY 2016 SHEMAGAZINE.COM