Shantih Journal 3.1 - Page 10

Four-Letter Words Sydney vance 10 i always loved unavailable men, always wondered why i named them man & not boy, always worried that noting the distinction was too self-conscious. i always loved the way that they would never touch me but would always find a way to touch me, always dissected my lonely with a spork full of rotten meat if at all, always loved their biology & anatomy, always loved how they knew their way around a scalpel & scapula. i always loved the fact that a girl is a river, or ten rivers, circling back to the same mouth, always loved the fact that she is thirty different houses with wonky foundations & leaky pipes, always loved how whenever she is judged, she is judged sixty-nine times over & under. i always loved the fact that i hated numbers because numbers never wanted me anyway, but neither did the unavailable men i claim to have loved, or the rivers i swam in thinking them mine, the thousands of other things i can say that i love but don’t need me to survive.