One of the things I love about Iyanla Vanzant's show is that the people who call her have come to the conclusion that something is wrong, they need help, and they cannot do it alone. Someone takes the initiative to reach out for help because what they are trying or have tried is not working. When a married couple is on the show, they are usually at the point where they feel divorce is the only option left. Both parties have been deeply hurt and offended and struggle moving forward.
I noticed that people call for intervention but struggle owning their stuff. Yes the person hurt you deeply, but are you looking for solutions to move you forward or are you looking for someone to help avenge you? As a person seeking reconciliation, restoration, and peace you have to be willing to face the truth about yourself.
I would never suggest you minimize your pain because I don’t believe you can move forward until you acknowledge the hurt and how it made you feel. When Iyanla coaches, she encourages her clients to go back and relive that moment; usually instant tears and/or anger is released. Sometimes it takes an outsider to help you see how you kept yourself in bondage with so much fear, hurt, and anger. You have every right to be angry. I'm sure that person owes you an apology, and probably deserves a beat down. However, the reason you called a mediator or coach is to help you avoid the unnecessary jail time. Eventually you will realize that YOU are allowing your hurt to take away your peace and keeping you from moving forward.
Have you ever heard the saying: “Hurting people, hurt people?” Well it is true. Understanding this helps us to have compassion for the offender and aids the process of forgiveness. Unfortunately, we don’t think about that when pain is inflicted on us. By the time we need an intervention, you've probably caused
some pain in response to what was done to you. Understanding that hurting people hurt people will help you see how easy it is to take pain out on someone else --including the ones that hurt you.
Now that you see how you’re damaging your own life, how do you fix it? First you admit the need for help, next seek help from a therapist, counselor, or mediator. Address the issue and/or person (perhaps people), release it, forgive, and do the work to help keep your mind at peace. That work is the hardest part and you will need daily encouragement to stay focused on maintaining your peace. Keep yourself accountable to your counselor/coach and your closest family and friends. There's a big chance you vent to them anyway.
Word of advice: Do not say you want change if you are holding on to excuses, not willing to accept responsibility for your behavior, and too lazy to work for the change you want. Some of your repairs may require lots of blood and sweat but it's worth the peace you will have in the end.
Fix it girl!
Superwoman Sanctuary
with Candice Payne
Girl, Fix Your Life: No More Excuses