When you have done all you can you just stand on the word of God. I kept saying for years God please don't allow me to leave here being unhappy please allow me to live some. I was happy with my children when I was with family but not in my marriage.
I blamed everyone but me on that relationship for many reasons, but they don't matter anymore, as I've learned through God's guidance, is that even as a teenager I had a voice, I was just afraid to use it. I just wanted to be liked and loved. Well, I must say, when they say be careful on what you pray for, or better yet, be specific or you will get what you wanted.
Needless to say, I finally surrendered to God, completely with my life, starting with my marriage. Why? Because I was tired, of years of being in an unhealthy marriage. I realized this is not where I was called to be. I thought I was in love, so I married, submitted, and had three beautiful children. However, before the second child was born, I realized I was not in love with the one I was with. I settled, as he was the father of my child, yet I was pregnant again, so what do I do? I stay.
I'm sure many can relate, as we get caught up in what we thought was good. However, it was just a mean time feel good. When I think about it, I'm like, as a teenager, our emotions are all over the place, we really don't know, but God. He stepped in after 20 years and said, “I let you do it your way, you've asked me to free you, however, you must follow, as you are about to go on a journey.”
By settling and not fulfilling my life’s dream, I ended up in a very unhealthy, controlled relationship. We were together for twenty years. After ten years, I was like okay Clara you have to make a move. It took me ten years to get the nerve to come out of it completed.
I was abused mentally and physically along with being controlled. My life was what he wanted it to be, and I was no longer Clara. I was his wife, and what he said I did, otherwise there were consequences. I prayed, and I knew this
is not the life You have ordained for me,
so please help me to come out of it.
Yet due to my leaving my parents and going to him, I didn’t fully know if I could do it on my own, especially since I had children. There was more than me I had to think about, which is why I stayed so long. Going back home to my parents was not an option for me. I could have, but I didn’t want to as I saw that as truly being a failure.
As my faith in God began to grow even stronger, I finally realized I can do it as long as I seek Him, and He will give me the courage to face any and all trails or tribulations that may come my way. So in 2001, I said no more to being abused, no more to being controlled, and no more to being used for what he wanted. I do have dreams, and I do have wants. I do have needs of my own, and I am ready to obtain them.
Through talking it out with myself and deciding I could do it, I was still afraid the whole time, because I just did not know what he would have done to me. If I wanted to do anything, I had to make sure I did it while I was at work. Otherwise I was timed by him for when I should be home.
Who should live like that, nobody? I was happier at work, for I could breathe, unless it was just me and my children at home.