The doctor came in and scanned me . I could see that my mum , granddad and friend Kirsten were in tears ... I tried to be brave . I was so scared .
everyday asked by the doctors if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy . I was adamant that I was continuing with keeping my baby growing and safe for as long as I physically could . I listened to the risks , to the statistics and to possibilities that could occur ..... But this was my baby and I wanted to give him / her the best chance that I could . I was on strict bed rest and only moved to go to the toilet . I was monitored closely and laid as still as I could for three weeks , took antibiotics to ensure that I didn ’ t develop an infection and followed the doctor ’ s advice .
I was re scanned and my fluids had risen to 2.4cm . I was allowed home on antibiotics and continued bed rest . I did exactly that until I was allowed to the hospital every week to be scanned for fluid level checks and growth checks on my baby . Each visit showed that Oscar was growing and that despite having very limited fluids was doing well . I had steroid injections to try and help mature his lungs . The aim was to get to 24 weeks and then the doctors would deliver me by C-Section . My fluids had risen to 3.1cm - I was so happy . My little baby was fighting , giving it everything he had .
I went to my scan at 25.2 weeks and was feeling really positive ... The lady started scanning me and said that baby was very unclear . She went and fetched a doctor to give a second opinion . I was devastated when the doctor informed me that my fluids had dropped again to 1cm . I saw the consultant who consoled me and let me hear my baby ’ s heart beat . I felt so assured hearing it and my heart melted . It was so strong and prominent . I was advised to come back later in the day for another appointment . I saw another consultant who explained that it was not a good sign that my fluids had dropped again . They put me on a heart monitor and measured the rhythm of my babies heart beat ( ECG ). This was steady and they happily sent me home to rest .
Within 4 days I began to feel very uncomfortable , I felt unwell and experienced more bleeding and changes . The hospital said to rest and take paracetamol . I was feeling movement so they weren ’ t concerned . I was petrified . Headache and tummy ache set in and within a few hours of calling and asking advice at the hospital I knew I was in labour .
4 weeks have passed since saying good night to my precious baby boy . It feels much longer ago that I held my little man in my arms , he had been born still . For the first time being able to meet him , look at him and cradle him was the most amazing but devastating experience I have ever had . To see his perfect little face , his tiny fingers and nails , little button nose ... My darling boy . The baby I had spent 6 months waiting to meet , preparing to care for and nurture for the rest of my life , was here in my arms ..... not breathing but here . I desperately loved him , begged for him to breathe , begged for him to open his eyes . I held him for just 10 hours after I gave birth before he was taken away ... I did not cry hysterically at first when they told me that they couldn ’ t find a heartbeat , I lay there in shock . I was completely numb . I didn ’ t believe them . During the 8 hours I was in labour after being told that the doctors couldn ’ t find my babies heart beat I focussed completely on delivering without any pain relief . There was nothing I could do to help my baby breathe again or start his heart beating so I had to do this .
I was so focussed on doing the last thing for him that I possibly could as a mother . With my mum , my brother and my sister with me they helped me breathe through the pain . The pain not only of labour but through the pain of knowing that I wouldn ’ t have a breathing baby at the end of delivery . After a very traumatic experience I gave birth to a beautiful little boy . I was adamant throughout my pregnancy that I was having a baby girl ..... What a beautiful surprise Oscar was . For a few moments after I gave birth I was elated , I had given birth , my beautiful baby was here !! Then the reality set in that he wasn ’ t breathing . My beautiful baby boy wasn ’ t breathing . His little chest wasn ’ t going up and down like it was supposed to .
At that moment I just lay there in complete shock , my world had just fallen apart in front of me . There was nothing that I could do . My baby was still born , but he was still mine . He was so beautiful . I laid still in pain , heartbroken . Looking out over Brighton and the lights that lit up the city . There wasn ’ t a single star out in the sky . I lay just gazing into nothingness , sobbing , hoping I would wake from this awful nightmare .
In the days following I was adamant that I had to learn about what had happened to my son . When he was born , it seemed like an eternity before the midwife came to tell me what had happened with my baby boy . But when she finally came in she couldn ’ t tell . She said that my waters breaking at 18 weeks were a factor that had contributed to little Oscar not being born alive . I refused to have a post mortem but asked for my placenta to investigated . I couldn ’ t understand how my Oscar had fought so hard from 18-26 weeks and now wasn ’ t here .
The doctor came in and scanned me . I could see that my mum , granddad and friend Kirsten were in tears ... I tried to be brave . I was so scared .
Meeting him was so hard . A mother prepares herself for meeting the baby she has been carrying for months , thinking of happy tears , cuddles and kisses . A beautiful moment . Meeting Oscar was so surreal . He was beautiful and fully formed . This was not what I had pictured . I truly believed that Oscar could have pulled through , and always looked for the positive in what the doctors were saying . I even envisaged being a mother to a severely disabled , brain damaged child , because all I wanted was my baby .
Little Oscar was dressed in the knitted jumper that the hospital dressed him in , wrapped and swaddled in a blanket and knitted cot . He had a little knitted hat on . He looked so peaceful . Just like he was asleep . I cradled him , sobbing and hoping he would wake up . These next 10 hours were so precious . I went into shock . The baby I had carried for 6 months , who I had morning sickness with , who I had felt wriggle around and kick inside me , was now gone .
This isn ’ t meant to happen , I kept thinking .... a mother shouldn ’ t have to say goodbye to her baby . But I had had too .
On 14th February 2015 we launched Oscar ’ s Wish Foundation , a not-forprofit organisation offering comfort and support to parents , family , siblings and friends who have experienced the devastating loss of a precious baby .
We have a range of resources , information and a support program to help the many parents , families and siblings who have been on a journey whereby they have experienced the loss of a baby before , during or shortly after birth . We hope that our resources will help guide others through this devastating time .
By Gemma Kybert Oscarswishfoundation . co . uk
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