last word
Super Dad
D
Nury Vittachi learns that smartphone
apps could give Dads super-powers
ads of the world need a smartphone app that
detects whenever a family member is reaching out
to buy something in a store and then speaks out
loud in a Dad Voice: “Come on! Do you really,
really need that?”
We dads can’t be everywhere at once, and modern
children seem to have an insatiable appetite to waste money
on needless luxuries such as food, drink, etc.
I told my kids that in the old days our parents would throw
us a gnawed stegosaurus bone once a week and we were
pitifully grateful.
Such an app would be a darn sight more useful than many
current phone functions, which just make life harder. The week
before writing this, I accidentally switched my smartphone to
British English and now Siri keeps saying things like: “On a
bloody bender again, you cheeky daft plonker?”
At least it’s a compliment, or so a British friend tells me.
Technology is a super-power which should be used for
good. Also last week, I lunched with techy people who told
me that the smartphone has become a massively successful
“anti-jerk device”.
One shared a news item about a naughty guy in France
who called up Uber, the taxi service, on his wife’s phone.
Over the following days, all his trips showed up on his wife’s
phone, including secret ones to one or more mistresses. She
found them VERY INTERESTING INDEED, as did her divorce
lawyer. The husband is now suing Uber for ruining his life,
rather than his own genitalia, which it seems to me are
clearly at fault.
Another lunch attendee shared a recent report from the
United States. A woman called Stephanie was so horrified by
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a long conversation she overheard on a train that she took
a sneak photo of the main speaker and put it on the internet
with a caption: “If this is your husband, I have spent two
hours listening to him and his friends brag about their multiple
affairs and how their wives are too stupid to catch on.”
It’s not just guys who get caught out. A male technology
correspondent at the lunch said that Facebook often
exposed the cheating ways of women.
He showed me a post by a woman called Sarah who put
a “conversation starter” on her Facebook page: “How did we
meet?” A woman named Jessie responded promptly: “You
were screwing my husband.”
He also showed me a real-life Facebook exchange which
has gone down in history.
LYNETTE: “well everybody, guess what, I’m single again,
but I’m not upset bcuz who wants to be with someone that’s
gonna cheat on me.”
BRITTANY: “Awww what happened?”
LYNETTE: “He wanted to b with his wife.”
But back to the concerns of Family Men. A colleague,
a father of three, has come up with another app that dads
desperately need.
It would be called something like “FONT OF ALL
KNOWLEDGE”. When children or wives ask questions that
Dads dislike, such as “Can we buy this?”, the app would give
Dad a wise-sounding response: “Sorry: leading indicators
prevent retail expenditure at the moment because of a fall
or rise in the semi-circular futures options hedges weighted
beneficiary composite valuations thingummy index.”
Brilliant idea. I congratulated him on being a cheeky
daft plonker.