Pink Weddings Spring 2016 Pink Weddings Spring 2016 | Page 81

Ask FondA FondA surely marrying Kojak has far more kudos than marrying an oompah loompa? DEAR FONDA , my partner’s a swinger – Sinatra, Dean Martin, you name it – whereas I’m more of a metal - head. How can we avoid murder on the dancefloor? Your partner’s a swinger eh? How exciting. I'd imagine with a hobby like that it's not murder on the dancefloor that you should be worried about, but more bodily fluids, which can be a terrible slip hazard. Oh hang on, I fear I may have misinterpreted your question. Darling, remember – at a wedding, the women will wear all manner of wired headpieces and fascinators. Encourage any headbanging and those things could fly across the dancefloor like a ninja throwing star. Utter bloodbath! Take my advice – avoid both of your tastes and stick with the more traditional Black Lace classic party track Agadoo. No one ever lost a limb pushing pineapples or shaking trees. DEAR FONDA , my partner is a terribly messy eater. The thought of her tackling smoked haddock soup, stroganoff and pavlova – wearing the lot and smelling like an Aberdeen fishmonger – is giving me sleepless nights. Should I insist we change to a finger buffet? I’m guessing she'll be in a wedding dress, so just ensure that the fabric is a lovely satin – it’s very smooth and wipes clean easily. Trust me, I've worn satin on many nights in sau nas and I can simply wipe off anything that comes at me! Failing that, have two trains made for her dress and use the second one as a giant bib. The last thing you want to do is give a messy eater a finger buffet – one glance at a chocolate éclair and she'll look like she fisted the vicar! ‘Dear Fonda, we’re on the countdown to our wedding and my fiancée is having regular spray tans – she’s getting more orange every week...’ best advice would be to buy some of those sugar glasses that they use in films to smash over actors’ heads, and have her rehearse in front of you and your friends. As she sings, make everyone squeeze their glasses till they shatter – then insist that her voice has far too strong a clarity to risk her performing at your wedding, because no one wants to see the bride in a Pinot Noir stained frock. She'll be flattered and you won't need to put earplugs in the wedding favours. DEAR FONDA , my partner is so stingy – when we ordered cheap matching suits for our wedding, I secretly returned mine and had a bespoke version made in Savile Row. Now he thinks we should share bank accounts. How can I convince him that some things are not for sharing? DEAR FONDA , my mother-in-law-to-be has I quite agree. A shared bank account has divorce written all over it. And if he’s so cheap, does he have money to share? It doesn’t sound like you stand to gain anything. Tell him that he needs to keep his finances separate if he wants to continue to successfully claim single person’s tax credits. That should shut him up! announced she’ll be delighted to sing at our wedding – and I’m the only one who thinks her voice is ghastly. How can I head her off without causing an upset? No one wants to hear a cats’ chorus at a wedding. My International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email [email protected] pink weddings magazine » 81