Pink Weddings Magazine Spring 2017 PinkWeddings SpringSummer 2017 - Page 93

Ask FondA FondA DEAR FONDA , I had a very bitter split with my ex. Now she’s stalking me on Facebook and threatening to crash our wedding. How can I keep her away? Dear Stalkee, I’m glad you’re not the stalker otherwise my opening to this response could have easily been confused with an order for a new Sherlock homes hat. Your ex sounds like a nightmare. If you want to keep her away from your wedding you need to occupy her on the day – have you thought about making her some hand-crafted brownies with a block of Ex-Lax chocolate laxative? Send them via courier to arrive the afternoon before your wedding with a nice gift card telling her how you baked your love into them – she’s likely to devour the whole basket, while looking back at old photos of you two on Facebook. By the time she’s done she'll be strapped to a toilet for the rest of the week, and you can get married safe in the knowledge that she won’t make an appearance. (And after all that toilet time, she’ll have dropped three dress sizes and probably be snapped up by someone else, leaving you free to live happily ever after.) DEAR FONDA , My fiancé isn’t as good-looking as me, so he doesn’t want the full-on photography package and video. How can I convince him not to be so selfish? Dear Vanity, everybody always pays a fortune for wedding photographers and videographers and the only time you ever watch it is that very day, and the night after he walks out on you – so the disc ends its life as a very expensive coaster. I understand your desire to have the whole Hollywood production though – your chance to be immortalised on celluloid. I was in a similar predicament, but naturally, when starring opposite one as beautiful as myself, my husband stood no chance of looking half as attractive in the final cut. In fact, during filming we had to keep fending off passers-by asking for my autograph, assuming that I was Emma Watson filming the live action sequel to ‘Beauty and the Beast’. You don’t want that kind of distraction on your wedding day, so ‘If you were perfectly suited then it wouldn’t be a real marriage now would it? No one gets their fairytale – even Cinderella argued with Prince Charming...’ just pay a computer whizz kid to superimpose your face on a Kardashian wedding episode and you can have a truly beautiful and expensive looking wedding on video without ever having to involve your aesthetically challenged partner. DEAR FONDA , My fiancée has drafted a prenuptial agreement with a breakout clause after six months. Should I be worried? Dear Gold Digger, if you were truly marrying for love, you wouldn’t care about contracts set in place for the inconceivable idea that you should ever break up. If however, you are purely marrying for money and feel like six months is too long to wait for a payout, why not consider postponing to a winter wedding. Have it in a swanky church with a large stone staircase outside, throw a bucket of water on the steps as you go in, and be sure to wear a decent set of hiking boots under your massive meringue dress (the ultimate in concealing footwear) as when you emerge from the wedding ceremony and pose for pictures on the newly iced over steps, it’ll just take one gentle nudge to bump your new spouse off. You get to play the grieving widow, claim the insurance payout and live out your days in luxury without having to wait six months! International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com pink weddings magazine » 93