Pink Weddings Magazine Pink Weddings Summer 2018 - Page 79

Ask FondA FondA experience, Grindr is just a series of pictures of boys’ abs. But I really wouldn’t worry about it – you’re gay! Most of us have had each other at some point. Whenever I’ve performed at a gay wedding I’ve realised that most of the men in the room met via a hook-up that didn’t go any further and just became drinking buddies. So essentially a gay wedding is usually a room full of men that have all had each other, celebrating the fact that two of them got a mortgage. Relax, your situation is not unusual – just don’t get too drunk at the reception. No groom would ever think a threesome with his cousin is a good way to spend their wedding night. DEAR FONDA , we’re getting married next month and my fiancée has no idea that I’m ten years older than her. There’s nothing wrong with a little white lie is there? Dear Saggy One, there is no shame in being ten years older. Unless you have Peter Pan genitalia she’s bound to realise – nature has a way of causing things to sag as we get older. The ‘surgical tape and fishing wire to all your loose bits’ approach only tends to work for the Tinder photos – beyond that, a night of passion tends to dispel all myths when foreplay causes her to make a cat’s cradle with your support systems. Being the older one is a great position to be in, if she genuinely doesn’t realise there’s an age gap. When things start going grey you can blame it on the stress caused by being married to her, which will instantly make her try to be nicer to you at all times. And if you truly want to look youthful, the best way to achieve this is by spending the rest of your married life on your back – everything slides backwards, reducing the effects of ageing skin. And what could possibly lead to a more successful marriage than spending every moment together in bed? ‘Dear Fonda, My fiancé wants his cousin to be best man but I’ve discovered he’s already been my “best man” on Grindr. What's the etiquette in this situation?’ DEAR FONDA , I've just stopped my husband-to-be from serving pizza at our wedding. Should I risk a downward slide into married life with him? Dear Crusty, there’s no shame in pizza at a wedding – think of the money you’ll save. Most people are sick to death of prawn cocktail or melon, followed by a bland chicken dish and a Black Forest finale. And don’t get me started on the game of Russian roulette most people play during their welcome drink, where they hire 16-year-olds to wander round with trays of vol-au-vents. No one knows what they’re filled with until it’s too late and you find yourself using Pimm’s or champagne as a mouthwash to try to get rid of the taste of pickled herring. This man is clearly economical and practical. And just think – if you let him have his way, with the money you save on catering you could hire some top-class entertainer for your evening do instead. I believe you might find one at www.fondacox.com! The one and only Fonda Cox is available for hire – email: enquiries@fondacox.com pink weddings magazine » 79