Pink Weddings Magazine Autumn/Winter 2016 - Page 111

Ask FondA FondA tub of natural yoghurt, instead of attending all the vital points like speeches and photo calls. You get to not feel guilty as you didn’t have to sack her, while she feels terrible for letting you down and not playing an active part in your wedding proceedings. WIN WIN! DEAR FONDA, we like kids but we don’t want them at our wedding. Our families are horrified. How can we enforce a firm but friendly ban? Get married in a strip club – nothing says fairytale wedding like a baby oil soaked thong flung in your dad’s direction half way through the speeches. You can invite all the kids you like, but they’ll never get past the door staff. And you’ll have a bunch of hot naked men as your waiters! Result! DEAR FONDA, my fiance’s family seem quite well behaved, but mine are a bunch of drunks. How can I stop them from showing me up when the booze starts to flow? Throw a themed reception party. Think It’s a Knockout – force all your guests to run around in giant Disneyland styled mascot Viking costumes with cartoon-sized padded gloves. They'll never be able to hold a glass – and even if they can, good luck trying to drink it through the giant padded head, where the only hole is a patch of gauze for the eyes to see through. If they do still manage to get drunk with all these obstacles in their way, they’ll fit completely within your theme of It’s a Knockout if they’re falling all over the place beating each other with foam caveman clubs. DEAR FONDA, we’re having sleepless nights about our guest numbers – many of our friends are assuming they’re coming to the ceremony and reception. How can we break it to them gently that they’re not welcome before bacon sarnies at 7pm? This one is a tricky one isn’t it. I mean, none of us would ever throw a dinner party and tell half of the ‘Nothing says fairytale wedding like a baby oil soaked thong flung in your dad’s direction half way through the speeches.’ guests to just come for dessert – but likewise, you don’t want all your ugly friends there for the main event, ruining your wedding photos. Have you thought of having your wedding ceremony somewhere that no one in their right mind would want to attend, and then telling them that you’ll understand if they’d rather just join you for drinks in the evening? If you're trying to think of somewhere that fits that description, might I recommend Slough? DEAR FONDA, my sister is a complete and utter show-off – she wore a long white dress at her friend’s wedding last week. How can I stop her from upstaging me? If she’s your sister, surely she qualifies for the role of bridesmaid – aka ‘sexy friend/relative in hideous dress to make you look good’. Go out and buy her the most hideous p uffball-sleeved taffeta monstrosity you can find, and tell her that it’s vital to your happiness that she’s coordinated with the theme of your wedding, from the flower arrangements to the seat covers. In fact, sod it, if you’d rather she doesn't attend, offer her one of the seat covers as a bridesmaid dress and just wait for her to RSVP with ‘Sorry, but I'm on holiday that week’. International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com pink weddings magazine » 111