PFTSTA Veni, Vidi, Scripsi | Page 21

"I've been thinking a lot lately.. even though mother tells me it's a bad habit I should get rid of but I can't help it. She tells me all the time that women shouldn't think so much, that it distracts one from her happiness. I want to shout at her "what happiness!" But I don't. I know that this is how she copes with her pain.. by imagining that there is nothing to grieve about. I've come to the conclusion that maybe this is another one of humanity's defense mechanisms: the numbness, the indifference. If we just zone out all the hurt and grief and despair that's going on 80% of the time, maybe we'll stop noticing it, maybe it'll stop disturbing us so much. If you keep pretending you don't see all the negatives in the world, maybe you'll be able to bask in the 20% all of the time and live your life happily—”

The words overflow all at once and then she's back to silence. She begins as a simple spark before igniting herself into a forest fire.. and everything afterwards is ashes. She frowns. Her eyes focus out to the streets of the plaza, on the maelstrom of cars and people and noise. A barista comes to refill her cup twenty minutes into our meeting but it is now cast to the side, untouched— her third cup in one sitting. From the way she's shaking underneath the tablecloth, I want to reach out and grasp her hand. I want to tell her that it is okay, that she cannot carry all of this burden on her own. But I don't. I don’t say a word.

I've never been good with words.. I think she figures that much about me by now. I don't know what to do in situations like these. My tendency to freeze up does not fail me today. I'm a gazillion of atoms that contradict themselves.. and she is too. Apart of me wants to believe that whatever relationship this is, it will last.. and that this moment is concrete, that we'll always end up somewhere on this planet together..