POSITIVE POSSIBILITIES LIVING POSITIVE POSSIBILITIES LIVING HELPING Versus Enabling But they have a problem too. Unfortunately, too often these good intentions end up feeding addiction and not in any way helping. Because addiction is based on consumption and wanting, it is insatiably hungry. It needs attention. It needs to ingest, to buy, to take, to feed. It feeds on attention as well. When we tippy-toe around it, the addiction energy feels powerfully important. When we cry for it, yell at it, rage at it, pray for it, plead with it, fight it, we are in fact feeding the addiction. W Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. hen we love a person who has an addiction, it is so very painful to see their struggles. Ultimately, we too need to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. We want to help. We see those we love in pain. We want to take that pain away. But we cannot make changes for anyone but ourselves. It is often hard enough to make changes for ourselves. We are powerless to make the changes for those we love. Often addicts find themselves close to people whoenable. Enablers are harder to see sometimes than addicts, because enablers seem kind and helpful. They are ever willing to help, cover up, make excuses, clean up the mess, tippy-toe around addicts. There is a powerful yet very subtle ego force at play with enablers. They are doing “good deeds”, so they are “good” people, “helping” those “poor souls” with the problem. Tough love, clear boundaries and a no-nonsense attitude are the only way to be around anyone with addiction. Whether you are around someone with an addiction or whether you are questioning whether you yourself are an addict, a powerful tool is to ensure that your actions and your words are in alignment. Those with addictions are used to spin doctoring, twisting the truth, or outright lying to try to get their way, to try to satiate their feeling of wanting, to get the hit their disease needs. This does not mean we need to be cold or cruel. Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. And in fact, these are also qualities that you can find in compassionate action. When we are sentimentally involved, we become entangled. When we are compassionate, we are a clear witness to what is: present, open, available, but rooted in selflove. We must stay rooted in who we are and what we want from our lives, because we can easily get sucked into the vortex of addiction. Addiction has a gravitational pull. If we are too close and not grounded, soon we will get sucked into the drama too. We must stand at a safe distance from someone with an addiction, be present for ourselves, available to support him or her, and get on with our own life. Ultimately, we can change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. Too often our lives get put on hold while we focus on trying to fix the one with the problem, not realizing that in fact, we too have a problem. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sobriety begins with taking a step towards self love, self worth, valuing yourself enough to let go of things that drag you down. People who are not addicts have the brain chemistry to know the difference between habits that are not useful and habits that are. Addicts have a harder time with that and must learn this discernment. The brain is plastic and can change. New habits are possible. Health, sobriety and a life that works are possible for everyone, even for an addict. Addict or not, we must be willing to admit we have a problem, look at our shadow and embrace the fullness of who we are. Parvati Devi is the editor-in-chief of Parvati Magazine. In addition to being an internationally acclaimed Canadian singer, songwriter, producer and performer, she is a yoga teacher and holistic educator. Having studied yoga and meditation since 1987, Parvati developed her own yoga teaching style called YEMTM Yoga as Energy Medicine. Her current shows, “YIN: Yoga In the Nightclub” and “Natamba” bring forward a conscious energy into the pop mainstream. Her book “Confessions of a Former Yoga Junkie” is a road map to a revolutionary life makeover for sincere spiritual seekers. For more information on Parvati, please visit www.parvati.tv.