Parker County Today November 2017 - Page 61

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson   “A lovely thing about the holi- days is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor   “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry discussions.  Now, I realize that most people would rather go in for root canal work without Novocain than attempt to cater to the whims and idiosyncrasies of their eccentric relatives and the occasional sordid family drama. But, unless you can afford to spend the holidays blissfully alone on a beach in Mexico sipping that frozen concoction that helps you hang on, you’re going to have to, as my mother says, build a bridge and get over it. When I use the term “It,” I’m referring to your aversion to your hypercritical mother-in-law/ your cousin who was homecoming queen in high school and brings it up every, single, time you see her. Or, how ‘bout your uncle-by-marriage, the one who bears a striking resemblance to Harvey Weinstein, in looks as well as creep factor?  No matter how eccentric your family members are, or his family members are, Parker County Today compiled a list of survival tips in order to help you avoid any unplanned excursions to Sheriff Larry Fowler’s Bed & Breakfast during the holiday season.   A s a child, I looked forward to holidays — all of them. My dad came from a huge family that loved to congregate together from all corners of the continent to spend time togeth- er — at least I thought they did. If they didn’t, why did they do it every year, year after year after year? Right? Thanksgiving lasted for four days because so many people traveled from so far away to get there. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I came to realize that for most of the grown-ups, these huge family holidays weren’t all fun for anyone over the age of 19. I also realized how much work was involved for the women of the family. It may have been lots of work for the men too, but I never saw them doing much of anything except for eating, drinking beer and watching football while cheering loudly in front of a large television as the women waited on them. Occasionally, the guys would conduct a loud debate concerning something of huge importance such as, “Was that a holding call? Was it?” What they actually meant was, “Was that call justified or was it simply another socialistic plot aimed at unjustly defeating ‘America’s Team?’”  As a child, I loved to quietly listen to the men argue about football in the media room, then go to the kitchen an wait for my aunts and cousins to become engaged in the inevitable argument. It was usually about some- thing like which one of them had endured the most suffering in their lives? I was 20 before I realized that I was the only one that enjoyed these 59