our opinions: CURMUDGEON MUSINGS
The Last
BY MARK BROWN
Word
About That Royal Pain
L
et’s talk about an event, a recent one. It’s one
that graced the cover of almost every magazine
in the free world in one form or fashion, as well as
just about all news outlets — they’ve all covered
it. Even the late night Kimmel/Meyers/Colbert
political hours have spent time on it.
Huge clothing sales have occurred because of
it. It has bolstered the travel and hotel industry,
and some have even bought new large televisions
(a la Super Bowl) because of it.
OK, so how many of you just couldn’t miss the
latest Royal Wedding? Really? Why?
All right, I get that. From my conversations
with a few different people, some love to see the
clothes, the hats, who’s gonna attend. No problem
there. My question is this: why the vast amount of
people that go so much further?
Why would people faint at the site of a British
Royal? Why would someone spend their last
chunk of money to (sort of) attend a wedding
where they can’t even get close to the actual
event? Streets lined up for miles. No easily acces-
sible restrooms?
But then I have the same question about the
Manhattan New Year’s Eve crowds. Over a million
people pack themselves into a tiny space so close
they really can hardly move. No bathrooms. They
can’t get out. And for what? Watching a ball drop
at midnight? I’ve heard some people start plan-
ning for that event right after New Year’s. Wow.
Are they that starved for something to do? Do they
work? What are the lives of these people like?
You know they plan for these events for
months, spend money they probably can’t really
112
spare, and then, it’s over in an instant. That is
probably why there’s so much depression after-
wards. When you read articles about these people,
you find there is massive depression, suicide,
divorce, bankruptcy.
Just imagine, call up a few friends (probably a
lot of these people that go have no friends) and
say, “We’re gonna have a great party. I want you
to come. There will be no food, no restroom facili-
ties, you will not be able to move around, security
is tight, provided by TSA (LOL — couldn’t resist
some airport humor), it will cost a fortune to get
there, and it will be over in minutes.” How many
would go?
But, you say, “It’s the Royals, so much history.”
Well, yes. There is plenty of history — just how
much murder, rape, incest, torture, war, greed
and ego can you have in one family? Too harsh?
Maybe, but it’s a massively dysfunctional group.
But, so are the Kardashians, and millions watch
them; but you don’t have to cram those millions
into a space the size of a VW to watch them.
Then you might say, “There will be celebrities.”
Oh, WOW! You get to see George Clooney! Oh,
cool! What a thrill! Elton John is there! Well, at
least he is a Brit. James Corden is there? Not worth
it.
Let me say this in closing: In the news clips I
saw, the bride and groom drove off in a beautiful
Jaguar XKE. This, for me, was the only redeeming
feature of the whole affair. The only thing better
would have been if that nut, James Corden, would
have popped his head up in the Jag and started
doing his Carpool Karaoke bit.