summer 2017 PSG 25
(Cont'd from p. 22) My family has rejected the information I have confronted them with after my realization. In their eyes, I am lying. However, working through my experience with professional guidance has helped me see a pattern in the family system that I consider to be a major contributing factor in parental alienation: it’s control over
"Realizing that I
have been a victim of Parental Alienation has been one of the most liberating discoveries
of my life."
communication that creates conflict - and eliminates the possibility of solving it. To make matters worse, most family members and some friends automatically ally with the person who chooses to cut another family member out, and they take an active stand against the rejected individual.
This behavior may be indiscernible to the naked eye, but I believe that it always fuels exclusion, even if temporarily. I have experienced this (unjustly, in my opinion) myself on several occasions, so I can only imagine how much stronger the effect would have been when my mother and father divorced.
I’m not claiming that my father was perfect. I know he wasn’t. But I do know from my own experience that the pattern of behaviors within my family can be really unjust and can drive a person away. Sadly, this is exactly what has happened to my relationship with them since, despite the fact that I like many other aspects of my family and love each one of them.
Now, when I am growing a few gray hairs myself, I sometimes reflect back on that flight with a mixture of regret, remorse and gratitude. Regret for not having had the chance to know him. Remorse for not having appreciated how hard it must have been for him to work up the courage to call me on the few occasions he did. I’m ashamed I was so angry with him for not telling me on that flight who he was. In retrospect, I’m sure he only wanted to enjoy this one unexpected moment with his daughter without being rejected once again.
"I am breaking the pattern I have been programmed with. I no longer reject any parts of myself because they are 'bad, like him'.”
Realizing that I have been a victim of Parental Alienation has been one of the most liberating dis-coveries of my life, and living with it has been both a challenging and a healing project. I am breaking the pattern of behaviors I have been programmed with, and no longer reject any parts of myself because they are “bad, like him.” And at least I got to experience him on neutral ground once, which has left me with a very valuable memory of a nice and a pleasant person. And for that I am grateful.
Give youself a priceless, life-changing gift of reconciliation.
Keep in mind that this can be extremely confronting. If you indeed realize you have been a victim of parental alienation, you may feel regret and remorse towards the alienated individual, as well as rage towards those who compromised your relationship with that person.
Please feel free to lean on the self-forgiveness practices introduced in our Winter Issue, because it wasn’t your fault if you treated that person badly.
If you are fortunate and he or she is still alive, consider reaching out. You may give both of you a priceless, life-changing gift of reconciliation.