Parent Survival Guide Parent Survival Guide Issue 03 (Summer) | Page 18

18 summer 2017 PSG

Assert your right to fight for their rights, which should trump convenience.

"I am terribly sorry you are being brought into adult issues. This isn’t anything you should be affected by. But since you are: I am doing what I must do, because I love you, even if it is hard to understand. It is our duty to do what we believe is right. It isn’t always convenient – for us or others – and it isn’t always liked."

You may be cast as the cause of all that’s wrong with their lives. But don't succumb: if you are the ‘lesser’ parent, their own identity is diminished.

"How is that, can you give me examples?

You adjust to Mommy/Daddy all the time, don’t you? To what they don’t like, to how they like things done. We are all different, and adjusting can’t go one-way only. It is not my intention to be difficult, it is simply fair that mommy/daddy adjusts to me like I adjust to her/his household."

Mommy/daddy is probably the one hating, but the child is used to blaming you. Don’t succumb; affirm that you are worthy of their love and trust.

"How so, honey? I don’t hate mommy/daddy. How could I? Without her/him, I wouldn’t have you; I will forever be grateful to her/him for you.

It is never my intention to do anything bad to mommy/daddy. But I do stand up for your right to both your parents, because that’s your right, and I believe it is my duty to protect it. Sometimes, when we do what we believe is right, it isn’t convenient – for us or others – and it isn’t always liked. But it doesn’t mean I hate mommy/daddy."

Affirm their right to you and this home without either making them feel like they have to choose between parents, or promising the impossible.

"I would love for you to be. I have tried. But the other household doesn’t want to let go of you any more – and I can’t blame them. Would you like to be? If so, I can talk to Mommy/Daddy again and see what we can do. And there will come a time, sooner than you think, when nobody will tell you where to be; when you will come and go as you please, regardless of what the schedule says."

Aim to validate this older child(ren)'s experience.

"You are right, it is impossible for me to know exactly how you feel. You are in a very difficult situation and I am so very sorry when my very existence makes it even harder. If there is anything I can do to make it easier – short of not being here for you – let’s talk about it."

Telling children about court proceedings direct violates court orders.

"I am sorry that you heard something like that; it must be stressful. You are too little to worry about anything like that. Whatever is going on between us is adult business, we will sort it out. We both love you very much, and will make sure you are okay."

This one is difficult to answer without lying because she/he would, and does. But until your child is a teenager and calls this out, you can’t.

"People don’t always see things the same way. Mommy/Daddy is very angry with me right now, so it is possible that what she said was to make me feel or look bad."

Why aren’t we here more?

Why are you so horrible to (or hate) mommy/daddy?

Why do you always have to make things so difficult?

You have no idea what it’s like, how difficult it is, do you?

Why would you do this to our family?

Mommy/Daddy wouldn’t lie to me, would she/he?

Why would you sue Mommy/Daddy?