Out of the Woodwork June/July 2015 | Page 17

The key factor setting Marvel superheroes apart from Superman is that Marvel superheroes are human, i.e. they’re flawed. Tony Stark’s a fast-talking narcissist, Peter Parker’s spider powers make his life more difficult, the Hulk’s a radioactive rage-aholic, and Captain America’s a chauvinist. Meanwhile, Superman never even drinks soda. He’s blue-eyed, compassionate, and likes to listen.

The problem is that in life, and particularly in movies, most people want a hero that’s no better, maybe even worse, than themselves. The more “messed up” a hero is, the more popular the hero is. Think Peter Parker. When Peter Parker first discovers he’s a human spider, he never decides to swing from buildings and fight crime. Instead, he tries to get rich and impress high school it-girl Mary Jane. When he does fight criminals, it’s a vengeful hunting spree for the man who killed his uncle. Becoming Spider-man is collateral damage. Peter Parker never intends to be a superhero. He’s just a horny, greedy teenager whose self-absorbed living got his uncle killed and now wants revenge. In short, Peter Parker’s like everyone else.

But Superman’s an alien (technically kryptonian). He never fights for a personal vendetta; he helps everyone. He never kills and never cusses. Superman’s the Sunday school teacher’s dream. In fact, Superman’s the exact sort of person who should have his powers. Give a bullied, sex-crazed high-schooler (i.e. Peter Parker) powers of super strength, X-ray vision, and invulnerability, get ready to watch a global killing spree. But it makes no difference whether Superman deserves his powers. He’s too good. He shows everyone else how good they aren’t. And people hate that. Even me. I like Peter Parker because he makes me feel good about myself. Unlike him, at least I can function around women and hold a steady job.

It’s comparable to the dad bod craze. For those unaware, the “dad bod” is what results when a middle-aged man drinks heavily and works out mildly. Think Jason Segel. For some reason, women have decided this is attractive. Now far be it from me to tell people what they should be attracted to, but after extenuating research (one blog entry) I realized the horror of this consensus. The particular blog in question reasoned women like being the pretty one in a relationship (agreed), and since most women are already insecure about their bodies (agreed), they want a man who isn’t too sculpted otherwise he’ll make them more insecure

But Superman’s an alien (technically kryptonian). He never fights for a personal vendetta; he helps everyone. He never kills and never cusses. Superman’s the Sunday school teacher’s dream. In fact, Superman’s the exact sort of person who should have his powers. Give a bullied, sex-crazed high-schooler (i.e. Peter Parker) powers of super strength, X-ray vision, and invulnerability, get ready to watch a global killing spree. But it makes no difference whether Superman deserves his powers. He’s too good. He shows everyone else how good they aren’t. And people hate that. Even me. I like Peter Parker because he makes me feel good about myself. Unlike him, at least I can function around women and hold a steady job.

It’s comparable to the dad bod craze. For those unaware, the “dad bod” is what results when a middle-aged man drinks heavily and works out mildly. Think Jason Segel. For some reason, women have decided this is attractive. Now far be it from me to tell people what they should be attracted to, but after extenuating research (one blog entry) I realized the horror of this consensus.