Ask Alli:
with Allison Heidorn
Each issue Allison answers questions from Aroostook
County parents and youth. You can submit your
questions to [email protected]
attn: Ask Alli. Allison is the Asset Coordinator for
Aroostook Substance Abuse Prevention
My 14-year-old daughter is hanging
around a new crowd. Her “new friends”
have poor home lives, no curfews or
other rules, and do not seem to respect
authority. My daughter is a good student,
and does not get in trouble. Whenever I
talk to her about whom she is spending
her time with, she becomes defensive and
it turns into an argument. How can I
keep my daughter safe from the negative
influences of her new crowd yet maintain
a healthy relationship?
The first question I would ask is
how you determined these young people
are not the crowd you would like to see your
daughter socializing with? Have you taken
the time to get to know them and their
family or invite them into your home? One
of the best ways to have a positive influence
on your child’s friendships is to stay involved in their lives by
getting to know the names of their friends and welcoming
them into your home. Create a space where youth can feel
relaxed and comfortable to open up in conversation. Get
to know the parents of your child’s friends as it may help
determine if you share similar values, rules and priorities.
If after all that you have concluded the peer group is
still not who you would like to see your daughter socializing
with, communicate your concerns to your child. To have
the most effective conversation remember a few ground
rules. Keep the conversation focused on specific concerns
you have witnessed about their friends such as disrespectful
language, or a lack of family rules and how that could affect
your daughter. Avoid superficial discussion about disliking
their hairstyles or clothing, as it will surely lead to an
argument.
Open communication is the key! Talking about
friendship choices is important when concerns arise, but it is
even more important that we begin talking to our kids early
about the qualities in a friend that matter. We must build
in them the skills to recognize when relationships put them
at risk and foster a sense of confidence in them to remove
themselves from risky situations. As parents we spend a lot
of time trying to “fix” our kids problems for them, when in
reality we need to help them develop the necessary skills to
navigate the ups and downs of all kinds of relationships.
It is no surprise that research shows that young
people have significant influence over their peers. We most
often think of negative peer pressure, but researchers at
76 SUMMER 2011
the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research
are finding that peer pressure among teens is usually more
positive than negative. In fact, according to the Search
Institute, 60% of youth surveyed nationally report having
best friends who model responsible behavior are a good
influence, do well in school, and do not do risky things
such as drink alcohol. Perhaps your child will be a positive
influence in the lives of the young people you mentioned
who are not as fortunate to have the home life and support
she does. Stay involved and continue to build skills in your
daughter to allow her to make positive choices on her own.
She may continue to hang around the peer group, but you
can have the confidence of knowing she
has the skills she needs to stand up to risky
behavior.
I am a 13-year-old boy who is on the
honor roll, is involved in sports and
activities and does not get in trouble. I
work hard at everything I do but I feel
like my parents are not proud of me, like
nothing I do is ever good enough. How
can I get my parents to see what I do and
be proud of that?
At times it almost seems as though teens
and adults speak different languages. What
your parents are saying may be very different
from what you are actually hearing. For
this reason, it is important to sit down with
your parents and calmly tell them how you
are feeling and allow them the opportunity to respond. Ask
them what makes them proud of you and in turn tell your
parents what makes you proud to call them Mom and Dad.
Very often parents do not realize they have made their child
feel inadequate. The very thought for most parents would
be devastating!
Parent’s good intentions to push their children to
their maximum potential and pull out the best in them
can lead to feelings of failure and never measuring up.
Therein lies the language barrier, parents saying I know you
can do better because I believe in you, and young people
only hearing that what they did was just not good enough!
Communicate by learning to speak in a language you both
can understand.
It sounds to me like you are doing great things in
your life and that being the best you can be is important to
you. Keep up the great job! If after communicating with
your parents you still feel what you are doing is not good
enough for them, keep talking! In the meantime set personal
goals for yourself. As they say “Shoot for the moon and you
might just reach the stars”! Aim high, do your very best at
everything you do and never give up…..do this for yourself!
Those who love you will recognize your efforts, but even
more important you will gain confidence in the incredible
person you are becoming. Learn to be proud of who you
are, always do your best and you will hear the stars calling
your name!