Ask Alli:
with Allison Heidorn
Each issue Allison answers questions from Aroostook
County parents and youth. You can submit your
questions to [email protected]
attn: Ask Alli. Allison is the Asset Coordinator for
Aroostook Substance Abuse Prevention
As a parent of a Middle School student I
hear such awful stories of bullying from
my child and their friends. When I was a
kid bullying was simply name calling or a
push on the playground. Today bullying
seems to have grown to an all new level
between texting, online media and person
to person bullying. Kids today can’t seem
to escape the harassment, intimidation,
and abuse. What can parents and
communities do to address this serious
issue?
Bullying can be heartbreaking for
young people as well as their parents. The
bad news is that according to the New
York Child Study Center, 50% of students
in the United States are bullied. The good
news is that there are practical strategies
that individuals and communities can do
to make a difference in the lives of young
people.
With so many myths surrounding the topic of
bullying, it is not surprising that we are left unsure of how
to guide our children. The old adage “Sticks and stones will
break your bones, but names will never hurt you” simply
is not true. Not only does bullying and cruelty create an
undercurrent of fear and mistrust among kids, it also affects
learning and development and the future of a child’s mental
health. This negative impact goes beyond the bullied child
as it affects those who witness the bullying. Bystanders are
often left feeling hopeless and fearful. Surprisingly, kids that
bully are also adversely affected. According to the American
Academy of Pediatrics, “Children labeled by their peers as
aggressors or bullies at age eight are more likely to end up
incarcerated and are less likely to be steadily employed and
in stable long-term romantic relationships by the time they
reach age thirty.”
Another myth many well intentioned adults believe
about bullying is that it is just a part of growing up, it is
character building and that kids just need to stand up for
themselves, get a backbone. This could not be further from
the truth. No one deserves to be humiliated, tormented or
abused in any way. Bullying is not a phase kids go through or
a lesson we all need to learn. It is simply cowardice behavior
that is centered in intentional, repetitive, hurtful behaviors
that produce a perceived imbalance of power between the
bullied and bully.
Despite all the information out there in the media,
online and in schools, the problem of bullying persists. In
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my opinion, it is because we have failed to identify the root
of the problem. As a society, our role is to model for our
children how to peacefully resolve conflicts, respect others,
and be compassionate human beings who value kindness
over cruelty. Navigating the world successfully means
having empathy for others and knowing they have hearts
that can be broken by violence, humiliation and abuse. It
requires teaching kids to do the right thing, even when no
one is watching. These are behaviors kids need to see and
absorb in order to eliminate bullying and lead successful
lives. Recognizing their own personal power from being
compassionate and following their conscience are invaluable
skills that are often overlooked.
For those young people who face
bullying on a day to day basis, I offer a few
helpful strategies to help them balance the
power and regain control over their lives.
Empower them to directly and respectfully
stand up to bullies, even if they are not the
person being picked on. Role-play with
them how to speak up but avoid being
verbally aggressive or using physical force.
Young people need to have the skills to
recognize when they need to tell adults.
Bullies are less likely to bully when kids are
in groups so encourage your child to stay
among friends when walking to class, home
from school etc..
As adults we must stay informed,
reach out if needed to teachers, program
staff, and counselors who have experience
with this issue. Surround yourself with others who care
about creating a safe, positive environment for young
people.
For most of us bullying has been a part of our
growing up years. As adults we now carry the scar of some
of the hurtful, violent or humiliating experiences either
we or those we love experienced. We have the power to
create a different society that no longer accepts bullying as
the norm. Empower, educate and model compassionate,
respectful, and positive behaviors; that is how we deal with
bullying. When young people begin to understand that true
power comes from stopping and thinking before they act,
respectful listening, peaceful conflict resolution, compassion
and empathy for others and listening to their conscience,
no longer will there