OH! Magazine - Australian Version December 2018 | Page 8

( EMOTIONAL FITNESS )
5 REASONS RELATIONSHIPS
END BADLY
Emotional fitness expert Heidi di Santo explains
the most common reasons relationships end badly.
lose relationships are important
for your mental health because
when they work well, they provide you
with a sanctuary to retreat from the
harsh realities of the world. They’re a
place where you’re able to remove your
mask and be you. Ideally they’ll offer
safety, security, love and acceptance so
that you can rest and recharge and
prepare yourself to face the world once
more.
C
Unfortunately
many
people
find
themselves in relationships that do the
exact opposite. They add to their
burdens rather than reduce them. So if
you don’t feel free to be the ‘real you’ in
your close relationships, then it’s time to
make change. If you’re tiptoeing around
your partner out of fear or if you’re
controlling and dominating your partner
in anyway, alarm bells should ring
because this isn’t healthy! Only when
connections are based on equality, truth
and respect, will they nurture you in the
ways you desire and deserve.
So how do you know whether your
relationships are going to help or hinder
you? Learning to recognise the early
warning signs so that you can make
change for the better (or end a
relationship earlier) is where your power
lies. So here are five common reasons
why relationships end badly.
1. A strong, blaming, dishonest or dominant
ego
A strong ego is often the cause of
relationships ending badly. You see, for
two people to work through their issues,
8
OH! MAGAZINE ( DECEMBER 2018 )
both parties must be willing to ‘look
within’ as well as outside. Unfortunately,
some people have so much ‘unresolved
stuff’ inside, that they engage in
behaviour that is abusive or disrespectful
towards others (whether it be knowingly
or unknowingly); meaning, they take
their problems out on others rather than
looking within. They harm important
relationships by engaging in controlling,
aggressive and dominating behaviour
because they can’t accept their own
inner pain, and they avoid feeling
vulnerable by projecting their problems
onto others.
Whenever anything goes wrong in a
relationship, it’s important to realise
that there are always two (or more)
parties contributing to the issue. And
when one person wants to blame the
other person entirely, problems will arise
because this is victim behaviour. It’s
only when both parties are willing to
accept responsibility for ‘their part’ in
the conflict that issues can be resolved.
Operating from a ‘me’ or an ‘I’
perspective is dangerous in relationships,
because it prevents you from truly seeing
the other person and treating them with
respect and equality. In relationships
the ‘I’ need to become the ‘we’, but this
can only happen when individuals learn
to truly empathise with others so they
can see other perspectives to situations.
People with strong egos often tell
untruths in order to protect their image
and this makes it very difficult connect
with them authentically.
2. Turning away from one another and
disconnecting too early
In times of crisis or problems, many
people turn away from the relationship
as opposed to towards it. Examples
include starting affairs and bitching and
complaining about partners to other
people. Ultimately this is disrespectful
behaviour that will eventually lead to a
relationship breakdown.
For relationships to stand the test of
time, both parties need to stay engaged
with a willingness to ‘work things out’.
Unfortunately many relationships end
because people disconnect too early. It’s
very easy to turn your back on problems
and walk away; it’s much harder to stay
engaged and sort things out. Staying
‘open
hearted’
involves
getting
comfortable with the uncomfortable, and
trying to understand the other person’s
perspective (as opposed to judging it) so
that things can be worked out.
The truth is that a relationship isn’t truly
over until all issues have been worked
through and resolved. Sometimes this is
impossible because of the ‘strong ego’
mentioned earlier. Unless both parties
are willing to accept responsibility for
their part in problems, conflict won’t be
resolved.
Sadly many people walk away from
relationships with unresolved ‘stuff’ only
to repeat the same mistakes in their next
relationships. And this pattern will keep
repeating itself until the individual
finally looks within, accepts responsibility
for their part of the issue, and ultimately