page 17
sports
New Jurassic Park to be released, with Chris Bosh headlining as brachiosaurus
EVAN IVKOVIC
Staff Writer
For Chris Bosh, his dream of headlining a
major motion picture is finally coming true.
Bosh, harnessing his knack for looking like a
dinosaur, is headlining the new Jurassic Park
movie as a brachiosaurus. Bosh informed
reporters:
lazy Turkish basketball player, Hedo Turkoglu, made a brief cameo, his only line being
“ball”. Another one of Chris Bosh’s lazy Raptors teammates, Andrea Bargnani, was cast in
a leading role, but ultimately struggled with
“It was either this or a movie where I play
an ostrich that learns to love his owner.
There was also a promising role as a
giraffe that’s reunited with his lost child.
Ultimately though, I knew I couldn’t pass
up the opportunity to contribute to such a
treasured franchise as Jurassic Park.”
We asked Bosh what he values most about
the opportunity, and he responded by
saying:
“Honestly, the best part is just sticking it
to Wade and LeBron for not truly including me in their friendship. I send them
texts all the time and they never respond,
always saying they just didn’t have the
time to respond and then just forgot about
the text. The worst is when I check their
Facebook profiles and see all the parties
they go to that they don’t even bother
inviting me to. So I really feel that this
role will give me the respect that I deserve
and have missed out on for unfair reasons.”
Though Chris Bosh is headlining the film,
he was not the only NBA star involved
in production. Staff and crew could not
stop raving about Tim Duncan, who was
always a consummate professional on set, consistently executing fundamentally sound dinosaur wails. Dwight Howard also auditioned
for a role in the movie, but came off as desperate and pathetic to the casting director. Nevertheless, Dwight’s “pal” Jay-Z pulled some
strings and got Dwight a part, but Dwight
had to be replaced due to lingering back and
shoulder issues that he could not man up and
deal with. In related news, while Dwight was
still on set, Kobe Bryant showed up and made
Dwight cry at least a dozen times, even though
Kobe was not involved with the actual making
of the movie. As well, LeBron James showed
up on set with his chaperone and father Greg
Oden to half-heartedly support Chris Bosh
during production.
Some former Raptors teammates of Chris
Bosh were involved with the soon to be
released Jurassic Park movie. The ?9 ?e?????)????????????$()
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