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AR T S & CU LT U RE
Thinner: the gypsy curse is the new South
Beach Diet
DANIEL STYLER
Staff Writer
In my mind, there were two possible options for
the topic of my final Obiter Dicta article. I could
write a sentimental, well-written article waxing
poetic about my nine years of post-secondary education and the great memories associated with my
time as a student at Osgoode Hall; alternatively, I
could write a review for a 1996 movie that scores a
paltry 5.6 out of 10 on IMDb.
Having chosen the latter, I spent the day
watching Thinner, an adaptation of Stephen King’s
1984 novel of the same name. I do not regret this
decision; despite it being one of the worst movies
I can recall devoting almost one hour and a half
to, Thinner provides its viewers with memorably
bad line after memorably bad line at such a frenetic pace that I’m convinced it is one big joke
(and a supremely funny one at that).
I should first note that nothing illustrates the
power of the internet better than my ability to
find Thinner online in a matter of seconds. The
fact that someone (Stephen King, maybe?) took
the time to upload this piece of shit to a variety of
hosting websites so that I could illegally stream it
is truly an act of humanitarianism; Bono and Bill
Gates would be proud.
Billy Halleck, played by some three-named
actor I’ve never heard of (Robert John Burke, if
you’re interested), is a lawyer. He’s overweight,
looking like a white version of Sherman Klump,
Eddie Murphy’s morbidly obese character in
The Nutty Professor. He can barely walk up a set
of stairs without passing out, and weighs in at a
hefty three hundred pounds; his wife tells him to
stop digging his grave with a spoon and a fork,
but he has difficulty avoiding the temptation of
Doritos (product placement was alive and very
well in the mid-90s) and other sweet treats (or
anything, really).
I will summarize the plot of this movie as
briefly as I can: while driving and receiving oral
sex from his wife, Billy hits an old gypsy woman
with his car, killing her. Fortunately for Billy, he
is connected: a police officer and judge from his
town combine to rule the gypsy woman’s death
accidental in the span of about one minute at a
coroner’s inquest. The dead woman’s 106-yearold father is furious, and proceeds to curse Billy,
as well as the police officer and the judge.
Fortunately for Billy, his curse is – at least
initially – helpful: he begins to lose weight at a
rapid pace, despite consuming a Michael Phelpslike 12,000 calories per day; concerned (though at
this po