SPORTS
12 Obiter Dicta
Fantasy: Forsaken
kareem webster › contributor
I
pr ay every Sunday.
Before you label me as a zealot-dogmatist, I
would like to inform you that a lot of my praying occurs during afternoon football games.
I am a football fanatic. I watch the draft. I exceed
my allotted mobile data to follow the off-season
signings and trades. I watch the 1:00 p.m., 4:00
p.m., and late night games on Sunday. I watch the
terrible matchups on Thursday nights because it’s
still football. I watch all of the highlights for the
week’s games. I follow all of the pertinent analysts
on social media. Statistics ooze through my pores. I
am simply in love with the game.
One thing that I don’t love: fantasy football.
I detest it. It is the harbinger of doom, bane of
autumn, and a malevolent force that holds a large
contingent of the population hostage on weekends.
Every August, I go through the same thing. If you,
as a person with free will, have abstained from fantasy football—as I admonish you—do not ever join.
You will regret it. Trust me.
For the unknowing, fantasy football allows users
to act as manager for a virtual team in the National
Football League (NFL). Points are rewarded based
on touchdowns thrown or scored, yardage accrued,
and (possibly) receptions made. Each fantasy team
matches up against another in a head-to-head every
week or is ranked against the entire league over
the course of the season. Fantasy players are either
drafted or auctioned where users use virtual money
to bid. Players that were not drafted are in a pool
called the waivers. The ‘free agents’ from this pool
are added to teams throughout the season. That is
the game in its simplest form, although it can get
more complicated, depending on the league settings.
Impressed? Regardless, without further ado, here are
five reasons why fantasy football sucks:
1. There is little, if any, skill required to win a
matchup or league. I mean, clearly your fantasy team
is better than your opponent this week. Yet lo and
behold, your stacked roster is choking while your
inferior opponent is dancing circles around you. By
the way, that player who you wanted to pick up off
the waiver wire just put up thirty fantasy points.
Expletives galore.
2. Consistency is often unpredictable. Remember the
matchup that Aaron Rodgers had against that porous
defence? Wasn’t he supposed to throw at least four
touchdowns? Well, he only threw one, fumbled the
ball after a sack, and threw two (yes, two) picks.
Also, that tailback who has never started a game
ê Photo credit: Esquire.com
in his life just totalled two hundred yards from
scrimmage.
3. An early injury can ruin your entire matchup. A
1:00 p.m. game pits Jamaal Charles against the turnstile run defence of Cleveland, where he is literally and figuratively salivating at the matchup. You
feel pretty good about your chances. Uh-oh, Jamaal
Charles has just been carted off the field with what
appeared to be an ankle injury. Halftime comes and
goes; Charles’ return is still questionable. At the
beginning of the fourth quarter, it’s reported that he
will not return, leaving you with eleven unimpressive rushing yards.
4. The player that you drafted in the top ten or
twelve may not finish anywhere close to the top ten
or twelve in scoring at the end of the year. Don’t get
me wrong; there are some players who are consistently at the top of their game. Running backs like
Matt Forte, Adrian Peterson (barring injury and/or
suspension), Jamaal Charles, and Marshawn Lynch
are perennial leaders in scoring at their position.
Receivers such as Antonio Brown, Jordy Nelson,
Demaryius Thomas, Julio Jones, and Dez Bryant
t humbs down
The market collapse.
will likely be somewhere in the top eight or so (you
get the point). At the same time, look at players like
Ray Rice, Calvin Johnson, Trent Richardson, or Zac
Stacy. All of them excelled for one year in their position, then had a subpar year immediately after. It can
happen and your draft strategy is not impervious to
the underachievement bug.
5. It is a game and things do happen that are beyond
your control. Blowouts, inclement weather, and
momentum shifts often alter the game plan, and
thus, affect the success of your team.
Hence, every December I retire from fantasy football. Every June I sign up to play again.
Remember, do as I say and not as I do.
Fantasy football makes or breaks my Sunday. My
Monday is either great or wrought with anguish. I
torment myself over which player to target on the
waiver wire. I hate myself for benching the player
who outscored three of my starters. I love myself for
ignoring the masses and starting Eli after he torches
Seattle. I hate when friends say “Get over it, it’s just a
game.” I love when one of the my opponent’s players
was a late scratch and they forgot to check the injury
report. I hate when my team defence concedes forty
points to an anaemic offense. I hate this stupid game
called fantasy football. It is the worst thing that has
ever been conceived.
At the same time, fantasy football is as popular as
ever, and as a sports enthusiast, I would be remiss if
I did not discuss the craze that is dominating Yahoo
and ESPN online servers from August to Decembe r.
» see fantasy, page 14