NYU Black Renaissance Noire Volume 18 Issue 1 - Winter 2018 - Page 54

S H O RT STO RY Nobody suffers from depression, at least no one I know of. Nobody knows what it is. It isn’t something we speak of, and I have never met anyone who was seeing a therapist. That was, as we would say, for white people. I was writing frantically, sharing it for my online friends to see. My friends called from a distance to see if I was okay. I lied and said that I was. I pretended I was. I pretended that the night before I had not been trying to count the amount of pills it would take to die, or that I had not been struggling to stop being disappointed at not living up to my exceptionalism and the expectations of my parents. I pretended that my bones and my blood were not moving in two separate directions. I had never been taught to ask for help. I had been beaten into understanding my pain was nothing more or less. In America, even the trees do not bear fruit. Unless the trees here grow on private properties, they do not bear fruit. I look outside my apartment. Trees that do not give fruit… it is a bit calculated, I think. Is it capitalism or a matter of not wanting to be sued? Maybe someone will pick a fruit and become sick, sue the city and win, and before you know it, everyone will start to sue. Maybe it is capitalism, because nothing is free in America I tell some of my friends still back in Nigeria. I tell my friends when I am in Nigeria that even the weather in California is added to our rent; nothing is free. It does serve a purpose, but as an African, I look at it this way — if it does not bear fruit, what \H[]\O’H[HZ][܈H\\\ \\›^H\[YH\K]\H\[YBH[]XܛHH\ۈ[[\[H\^KۈH\^BYܙHۋ]H[[\KHXH ][Y B\]HܙX[H܋[\Z\Y ܙ[ ]Y HZH^BXHۈHX[\['[YH[HY['HH^\œٝKZHHۛ[^H\ZHH\\H[H\ܛZHHۛX]H][Y^BZ[[]Y\X[Y\XK[H]\\[HY] [] ZHHۛ^HܚY[˂Hۈ]^H\ HYH\[HYܙHžYX\Y[H[\][K[HYZHH[\ۈ\™XK[H[YۈHY] [H[\[Y\XZB\HH[]\X]KH[Y[HܙKH[KX[X[ \ܙH[H[[\HY]\B\H\K]\][\\[[H\ˈ^HZ[Y]\[HZ[YXˈHH[[K[^H\H\\YBܙ[ۙ\\[YHHX]]Y[\][\KXܙY[[[[[[YH]\YKH]YYB]YY^Y^H[ []YBܙHH\[\\H\Y\[[\X]] [[YBX]]Y[HY H\\\[^HHٝKH]H][\^H[\KX]\HH[&]X\[\ܙZYۙ\^Z[8'[^XK8'H\Y\Y][XZˈH\^Z[¸'Xx'K[]Z\YHH]Xۙ[Y[X\]H[K[X XKHۈ[H[&]XZˈBܙ\H\K\Z[K][Y[ܛYY[^HۙYH܈X[HYX\˂] H\[&]XZ˂HY\\\\[\ XܙY\\]Y[Y\[\^Y\œZ[K^HZ[KYܙHHZ[BXX\\[] \Y]\H]K[[H][ H]\Z[X [ZHZ[K\HZ[Y H^\[[\ۈY[Z[\YZ[^HX\˰8'H[HZ[š[YKH[Hۚ[H[]K]H[ [YK'HHY[ܞKH][&]ܚYYZH\[ۙ^HHZ[^H[\HBܞZ[ˈH]YK[HۛœH[YHY\[\]HZ[HZHH]Y\X]H\]\[\^Y\Z]܈YHܞZ[˂'[YHX][\[ 'BH^\ˈ]\Hܙ ]\H[[HYY]\HۛH^H\ܚXHBY[[ˈHYܚ]NHYYYܚ]K]\[H]Hۛۋ[HH\\Y[YX\[YXZ™܈YH[۝Y\]ܜXBY\^HY]H[۝[^B\Y[YX\ۈX\ [H\™[X[HX\[܈^\[ܙ]و^Hۙ\]و^B ]و^H[\8%ܚ]H][][[\ۛ[HY]B^\[Y][Y\H\ۈ^HY܂ۈHX[HٝH\Y]YH\\ˈHYYYܚ]KYܙH] H]Y[ۙH܈H]›[۝[H[[H[[ݙBYH[[KH[&]Y\[B^[Y[YH[H\۝[Y^HZY܈\™[Y][\KYHYH[[ݙH\\]\K[H^H\\Y[ۜZ\H[X\HܙYX[[ H\\\][H[YYوY[ۙB[\[HY۞H[[Z\H\[[YKۙHY \H\H܈][\[XYKH܈][\\\ˈB^HHHHYܙYZY 8'YHH[H]BX[X\\[ۈx'HHY]\[YY[\[] [\[HXY\ˈH\Y]]ۂH[\ۙKHX\Y܈\X\ۂKHYY]]\ܛۙ]YK[\[]BYX[ \\HH[]\[YO\\HH\]\\HY[\\HH[][X[H[\[^H[˜[HYX\]\HX\YYY[ۙB[O\\OH]\Y[˂HYY[][YK[\\XKY\ۈH\˜Hݙ\ˈHYY[\Y [\Y [Y܈XY [ۙHۙ]˂܈^H][YۛˈHYXYHYXYY8%Z[B]\ ]\Z]\Hۙ[[\܂H[X[\\H[\[B\^H\\ˈH]^\[\[^HKZ[]ۛHܚ\HH\H\Y\\ۂو]\[ۙKHYYX[X]H܂H[۝ [[H[YH™X[X]\YH\ܚ]BX]]X[H^\˜[ۙHYOHZ[XH[YX[][“و\YYY[[ܚY\˜[\ܚY\