NYU Black Renaissance Noire Fall 2015 Volume 15.2 - Page 20

By THYLIAS MOSS the great mystery story is still unsolved. we cannot even be sure that it has a final solution. [A Einstein & Leopold Infeld: The Evolution of Physics] (the) afterlife of corpses in a Morse code update primer 18 + Forgive me, I had no choice, I begged him, Ladies, I even promised to guide the knife, his first time, professional initiation, never a question of manhood, just some real good stimulation, a little help with ignition, I didn’t take it for granted just because I was at Ludlow’s Smoker’s Palace after hours, an obvious invitation, the way I traipse, I’m rightfully accused of asking for it, how else to make sure I get it, noisy wheel syndrome, but my it is a killing, martyr-dumb thing or not, if he’s killing me, he’s not killing you, so my being on corners is a protection service, and as soon as I’m dead, I won’t be there anymore to deflect violations and assassinations onto myself, enjoy it now, pay later, me and my beefed up preference, beefed up refusal to let go of Aileen Wuornos, flip side, inside out side, of one of many kinds of prostitution, rhymes with constitution for a reason, some necessity, some choice, power of, power over a consenting body, power of, power over an antibody, some daring workers work out in advance what the signal will be for arrival at an unspeakable limit, nonverbal signs for no and stop, hard to misread universals, in addition to face turning blue, eyes rolling, heart stopping, nose bleeding, the most obvious can’t-be-mistaken patriotism near death, frequently near death, a fight for freedom, best location in the nation, Ferguson, Baltimore, New York, Cleveland, just getting started, coming to a location near you, where it all converges, denouement, I can’t really understand anymore the cowardly aspect of anyone going close to death and hesitating, coming back to where you were, as if you never left, coward, just the feet wet, there are these bruises, maybe these suggestions of psychosis, they can emerge when anything anyone can do is extended far enough, there’s a path there, but I haven’t been able to get close to it yet, guide me, I am not teasing you, Killer, you can take me all the way, till death do we part, hero, otherwise, most of the time the sex is routine, it adds up unremarkable, the mechanics, the remarkable is exception, which could be to feel nothing if nothing is felt only once, I don’t know what changes when you’re doing it for the money, for a living, even when you’re not, you don’t always feel the target highest of high feelings, if that’s necessarily the point, there’s always the exercise benefit, more or less, the risk of disease, risk of abrasion, risk of success, empire of self-made women, maybe the money puts you over the top, one percent of you in penthouses (all the time), the math of emotion, the feelings that accompany accumulation, everybody, my killer included, potentially in the emotionally overtaxed bracket, I won’t get any money that I can use for my murder, I’m not exploring the psychology of calling it a trick, a dupe, a pulling of wool, I too plan to sell my body, (effects of MS, of course — that disease alone can kill you), but I prefer Hector’s intimacy, the touching he’ll have to do to kill me well, profits to go to charity just like the benefits of my murder go to the charity of sparing another woman from being on the slab, the life I save, there’s not a lot of admitted interest in the afterlife of corpses, most are put in the ground, indirect nutrients, or are burned, smoke and ashes, dispersal in the air, floating, drifting, the superficial Zen at the end of it all, residue, aftermath of the rapture, the loved one off the ground, not the table in a séance, a casket is a derailed subway car, but once the power’s back on, once I’m dead, I’ll be out of your way, my killer will be off the street, you know to watch me, you know you can catch him, finger him, fulfillment of dream of fingering the fossil flute of spine, yes, yes, you tend to be law enforcement’s best extended set of eyes, your clientele is so comprehensive, from so many spheres and arenas, trick universe, you don’t have to thank me for this service, by extension I’m one of your clients, just short of psychosis, no matter what else I sleep with, I sleep with this knowledge too, once I’m dead, you won’t ever have to thank me, and if you don’t, so what, sometimes you’re paid to beg, one of the easiest dog tricks, the puppy can learn it, the older bitch and dog, almost as old as wolf, the pimp is one evolution of shepherd, my killer is from another line, none of us are daughters of Abel, but I am starting to feel desperate, it should have happened by now, my big break, my cracked skull, broken neck, every day, every hour, every