Nocturnal Issue II - Page 16

WILSON: I’m going to kick right off and say that it’s doubtful that anyone will ever trust me with any aspect of organising a festival. But for the purpose of this article I’m going to work on the possibility that someone has recognised that the combination of my vast musical knowledge and frankly incredible planning skills, would make me perfect for the job.

So the first thing a festival needs is a name. It seems to me there are three possibilities:

Name it after where it’s held; Glastonbury, Reading etc… (Pretty boring if you ask me),

Something a bit more descriptive; W.O.M.A.D, Global Gathering etc. (Getting better but still doesn’t require all that much cleverness),

Or whatever random thought takes your fancy really; Shambala, Boom Town Fair, Secret Garden Party… (Much more up my street)

So assuming I go for my third category, I guess now is where I have to start putting a bit of thought into the name. Might have to come back to that.

Number two on my list for “Music Land” (no?) is deciding how many stages to have and what vague genre they should be assigned to. This goes hand in hand with the size and feel of the festival, so it would probably require a bit of trial and improvement. Here’s what I reckon I’d go for:

Classic main stage – hosting any band or artist that could pack it out and ideally getting more and more dancey as the night goes on. Screw putting a genre on this one, fame is all that really matters as far as I can see.

DJ orientated dance tent – pretty basic really, big tent, big speakers; anything from glitch hop to drum and bass to appeal to the gurning masses.

Some kind of dub reggae venue – a couple of decent DJs spinning some good dub can make all the difference to the quality of a festival night out.

Two to five “weird contemporary” stages – a lake stage, a ship made of hay bales. Sure, it has been done before but they generally do make for a good bit of fun.

Now the acts! Picking out who I would invite to “Rossbala” (still needs a bit of work? I get it) has been as precise as it has been eclectic. I think I’m going for a festival that appeals exclusively to people with my exact music taste, but if I say so myself, my music taste is pretty good. I don’t think I have the stamina (or time) to write up four days’ worth of music festival on my own, so I shall provide you with approximately 3 to 5 acts per stage and you may do with that what you will. Beware though, I may include some dance and poetry.

I still need to wrap up this name business though, don’t I? Fuck it, I’ll just revert to my first name category and call it “Nowhere yet”.

NS: IDEAL FESTIVAL — OISIN BABER AND ROSS WILSON

Acts

Main stage

Portishead

Arcade Fire

Fat Freddy’s Drop

Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Cage the Elephant

Dance tent

Gorgon City

DJ EZ

Koan Sound

Moody Good

My Nu Leng

Dub Stage

Johnny Osbourne

Mungo’s Hi Fi

Gentleman’s Dub Club

DJ Dereck (if he could be coaxed out of retirement)

Weird Contemporary stage 1

Akram khan (dance)

Mark Grist (poetry)

James Acaster (comedy)

Weird Contemporary stage 2

Submotion Orchestra

Late of the Pier

The Apples

Molotov Jukebox

Weird Contemporary stage 3 (these are all in need of a much more artsy name)

Astroid Boys

Mr Carmack

Sly One

Woz

Cloaka

MAIN STAGE

Portishead

Arcade Fire

Fat Freddy’s Drop

Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Cage the Elephant

DANCE TENT

Gorgon City

DJ EZ

Koan Sound

Moody Good

My Nu Leng

DUB STAGE

Johnny Osbourne

Mungo’s Hi Fi

Gentleman’s Dub Club

DJ Dereck

(if he could be coaxed out of retirement)

WEIRD CONTEMPORARY STAGE I

Akram khan (dance)

Mark Grist (poetry)

James Acaster (comedy)

WEIRD CONTEMPORARY STAGE II

Submotion Orchestra

Late of the Pier

The Apples

Molotov Jukebox

WEIRD CONTEMPORARY STAGE III

(these are all in need

of a more artsy name)

Astroid Boys

Mr Carmack

Sly One

Woz

Cloaka