Needs and Deeds
Sasha Silverman
“Don’t be needy!”
E
nter any counseling center or watch any relationship-oriented reality show,
and at one point you’ll likely hear someone offering these sage words. It
has become a readily offered panacea for those experiencing heartbreak or
grief or longing.
Certainly there is some truth there. As we mature enough to care for
ourselves, we need not expect another person to carry the burden of making
us feel worthy, secure or happy. But what’s the difference between neediness
and genuine need? When is it okay to ask others for help?
Just last night a friend called me. She felt excited about a guy she had
started seeing, but he hadn’t contacted her all day. She wanted to hear from
him, and she wanted to reach out to him, but she’d been told by others, “Just be
cool.” So she said nothing, because she didn’t want to come across as “needy.”
I thought about that for a while. Yes, it’s great to rely on ourselves and find
all the love we need inside of ourselves, but we’re not robots. We can’t just turn
off our desires for love and companionship. We genuinely do need each other.
I remember a time when I was lying in bed in a cold sweat, unable to
stand up or walk down the hall to get water. Just when I had begun to panic,
wondering if I could make it through the night alone, my younger sister came
over with my favorite Vietnamese noodle soup. Deep into the night she stayed
with me