New Church Life March/April 2016 | Page 58

The Right Guy for the Bad Times, Or The Plastic Bag Diet Nadine Rogers W hen we are looking for a life partner we usually are looking for someone who is exciting to be with, makes us feel special, makes us laugh, makes us happy. I was always convinced that happiness would come wrapped up in scintillating conversation, and if that wasn’t happening I assumed something was wrong with the relationship. A lot of potential relationships were probably jettisoned a little prematurely when my date failed to keep me intellectually dazzled. We want the good times. However, I’ve come to believe that it’s actually far more important how partners behave toward each other in bad times. Being the right person in the bad times trumps being the right person in the good times. Why? 1. It is impossible to sustain constant euphoria, novel experiences, exciting adventures and scintillating conversation. No one has enough money, energy, or fund of knowledge to keep it going forever. 2. Lots of bad things happen in this life. We can’t avoid this. Illness and death, natural disasters, job loss, poverty, loneliness, misunderstandings, fights, unfairness, corruption and injustice are all impossibly tangled up in our everyday lives. Smooth sailing is a myth. As much as we wish it weren’t true, disruption of the status quo is the status quo. 3. Hard times, in general, are the times in which we grow the most, and this growth is often uncomfortable but exceedingly important. Therefore we need someone who is going to allow us to grow, help us to grow, and not cause worsened trauma or leave us to flounder around by ourselves. After a 10-year bilingual relationship, I have to say there’s not a whole lot of scintillation going on from either of us. I still love a meaningful conversation with my husband, but what really makes me feel connected and loved and cared for are knowing I can call him just to say, “I’m feeling sad so I wanted to hear your voice,” or knowing he can witness me ranting in hyperbole and still think better about me afterwards than I will think of myself, or seeing genuine 160