n e w c h u r c h l i f e : j u ly / au g u s t 2 0 1 3
people in conversation. I write as a young person who cares, who wants to
engage, and to stand up for and speak for any young or new person who has
felt unseen, unheard and unwanted when visiting a local church. Here are
some strategies, and I challenge you to put them into action:
1. Do not ask anything about the person’s family tree. I offer this
gently, yet with strong conviction. I have experienced that people seeking
family connections have a good motive. You recognize a visual resemblance
to someone you know and love, and try to put the young/new person into
context.
Even with the best motives, this can be harmful to a new or young person’s
experience at church. If the person is connected to someone you know, she
might feel you don’t care about her. Imagine how horrible it might feel for the
young adult if, once you figure out who her grandparents are, you move on to
talk to someone else, leaving the impression that this young person doesn’t
exist in her own right.
I will give you permission to ask a young person something about his
or her family tree after five separate visits. By this point you’ve connected on
other levels. You’ve discovered a bit about the person. I challenge you to wait
and wait and wait. It will be like holding the secret of a surprise party when
you tell the person you went to school with her great grandfather.
Give yourself time to honor and engage the person as an individual first
– to learn a bit about her journey. This will also help you avoid sticking your
foot in your mouth if she is not connected by blood to anyone in the Church,
possibly alienating her and making her feel unwelcome because she can’t
describe a bloodline connection.
2. Do ask meaningful questions. I’ve included a list of conversation
starters to get you thinking about how to connect with young people without
cornering them in the marriage, mortgage, money (job) departments. Asking
a young person what he or she “does” may lead to self-doubt and feelings of
inadequacy when describing his or her unemployment, or underemployment
– and three part-time jobs that aren’t at all their “dream path.”
One friend said that when she attended a local church a woman
approached her, lifted her left hand, inspected for a ring, and walked away
without a word. What message is this sending other than: “Come back when
you are engaged/married?” Even the repeated glance at the left hand – or belly
to see if a pregnancy is brewing – can be incredibly harmful.
Rise to the challenge, my friends! Go deeper. Engage in meaningful
conversation that does not alienate the young or new person in your church.
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