Kick, Kick, Breath. Kick, Kick, Breath. Power through, Cerece. Power through.
I sensed, rather than saw, the moment my feet passed the black line. Not even
realizing they were closed, I open my goggle-glazed eyes to confirm that there was
nothing underneath me, but open water. My breathing went from inhaling air to
gasping for it. Through sheer force of will, I kept my form and made it to the other
end of the pool, trembling and absolutely convinced I had no business swimming in
anything larger than a bathtub.
What the hell was I thinking?
Unfortunately, I was in the deep end and the only way to get out was to swim back
through the deep end to the other side. Briefly, I consider trying to hoist myself out
of the pool, but I didn’t trust my arms not to collapse and didn’t trust my legs to pull
up, and I didn’t trust myself not to fall back into the water and drown on impact. At
that moment, I didn’t trust anything, but I had to make it to the other side. With visi-
bly shaking hands, I gripped the kickboard and pushed off the wall.
Two seconds later, my panic was in full bloom. I couldn’t feel my legs, and my
arms were shaking so badly that the kickboard was slipping out from underneath my
fingers. It was in this moment that I become acutely aware that if I didn’t pull myself
together, I would drown. Not because I couldn’t swim, but because my panic would
cause me to do something stupid that would make me drown.
I stopped looking into the water. I stopped side-breathing all together. With my
head up, I reaffirmed my grip on the kickboard and made myself cross the distance
between where I was and the black line, back to the place where I could put my feet
on the ground. As soon as I got there, I stopped pretending to swim. I walked over
to the steps and sat down. I burst out in tears the moment my instructor sat down
beside me. Sobbing into my own two hands, all I could think, all I could say was,
“I’m afraid.”
It’s so powerful to me now that not once in all my panic did I ever think to call out
to God for help. You only know what you truly believe when you’re tested.
As I sat there crying on the side of the pool, I knew God was trying to teach me
something through what I had just experienced. I knew She was trying to show me
the truth about all the “bigger” things that I had been praying for and what it would
take for me to truly be ready for them.
She showed me in that moment, that while I hoped for things greater than I could
imagine, my faith lies only in the ability to feel my feet on the ground. It only went
Naleighna Kai Literary Cafe Magazine July/August 2017 7